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7:56 a.m. - 9/28/2003
Matters of the heart
So, this weekend, I came to realize something. I miss Duffie a lot more than I would like to believe I do. I've been so good at detaching myself from him in the past couple of weeks, but Friday night I kind of had a breakdown over him. I'm not really sure what triggered it, becasue I was really really drunk at teh time, but I started crying uncontrollably and got so upset that I kicked and broke my mirror. I also sent him an e-mail, full of jibberish becasue I was so drunk, but the message I was trying to convey to him was that I still love him with all of my heart.
I really wish I was able to pinpoint when everything went wrong. We were so happy at one time. I could never imagine him hurting me like this. I really thought that I had finally found someone capable of loving me, and all of my idiosyncricies. Becasue he was my best friend before we started dating, he knew the real me. He knew how psychotic I could be, he knew how emotional I could get, he knew about my sexual experiences,he knew everything. Both good and bad, and he accepted me and fell in love with the real me.
That just made me feel so great. I had finally found someone who loved and accepted me. He wasn't pretending to love me to get soemthing out of me and he didn't play any games with me. It was so wonderful.
And now that's all over. As much as it pains me to say this, I really think that after a certain point the only reason why he stayed with me was for the sex. How did it happen? When did he turn into such a jackass? Duffie used to be the nicest, sweetest guy I knew. He was genuinely a nice guy, but at the same time he was fun, and had a great personlity. And now he's just you typical no good, ghetto, wannabe thug. It really hurts my heart to look at the way he turned out.
You know what's sad? Even though I know how much he has changed, and realize how bad he is for me, I still love him wiht all of my heart. I can still see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Why must matters of the heart be so complicated?
I remember when Duffie and I started dating, Andre warned me that I would just get my heart broken. At the time I felt like that was something impossible. But I guess a couple years down the line, Andre's prediction came true.
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