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9:59 p.m. - 09/26/2006
When fear wins the race
It's over. But not really. It's never really over with us. No matter what happens we always bounce back. it could take days, months, maybe even years but I know we'll bounce back again. We have to. We need each other. But we're afraid. Afraid to feel something so real and genuine, so raw and passionate. Afraid to lose ourselves in each other's touch.
So I sit here smoking my cigarrettes, chugging my beer and listening to our song. The song that describes our situation so perfectly. Because it's true, they'll never hurt me like you do because I'll never feel for them like I feel for you.
And you'll sit there with your cigarrettes and your liquor thinking about how I made you listen to the words to that song, and how amazed you were at how accurately it described the story of what happened to us. And what could happen to us in the future, in the now if we would just let go of everything holding us back and cling to each other and jump into the beautiful adventure that our love would take us on. You'll smile at the thought of me as it sends a burning feeling through your body, and then take a deep puff from you cigarrette and a chug from you bottle of cheap vodka when that feeling has spread through your body and you realize that you threw it away. And think about how much I got into your head with all the fucked up things you did. isn't it funny. With all that you did, I didn't care. I still saw you for the wonderful eprson you are. I wasn't afraid that you would hurt me. I didn't care, because the pain of losing you would never be able to outweigh the pleasure of being wiht you.
hey you know. you keep me up in bed.
And I keep you up in bed too, and there's a reason for that. We are a part of each other. We need each other to feel alive.
It was always you in my big dreams. But you don't know if it was always me in yours. But you know that there was never anyone else there. You're big dreams were lonely ones, but you were willing to share them with me, and you were willing to realize that they were much better with me in them.
So why are you pushing me away? Mistakes are always made. But they are not permanent. Sometimes you get the wonderful oppertunity to right your wrongs, to fix your mistakes. We had that oppertunity and I thought you would take it, but the fear held you abck yet again.
And until you can rid yourself of all of that doubt and fear then you'll be alone and I'll be alone. And all we'll have is the memory of waht it's like to really be in love. And life will be sad because we know we've lost it. And we'll continue to seek solace in alcohol and cigarrettes and meaningless encounters with nameless, faceless people.
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