Current Mood: emotionally drained
1:44 p.m. - 08/02/2008
Mother daughter role reversal
I love my mother dearly, but sometimes I cna't stand her. She's always so negative and she calls me to lean on when something is upsetting her. And I have to be the voice of reason or comfort her and it annoys the hell out of me. it's not like she does it on accasion. That would be okay. She does it all the time. She's just a worry wort. "Calli's gonna die because she pulled her stitches out" "Tubby's nose is running more than it used too, I think she's really sick." "Goldie hasn't been running around like he ussually does, I hope he didn't eat something poisenous" and now "They're gonna take away my cats again." I hate being her voice of rreason and comfort. Especially when the stuff she's worried about has no truth behind it whatsoever. She's just always looking for something bad to happen. It makes me sick to my stomach to have to listen to her crying and freaking out on the phone, and to hear all of her negativity whehn I logically explain why what she is worried about is not at all true. And thern I end up yelling at her and telling her to stop whining and do somethign about it, and then i feel bad for yelling at her.
It's all ridiculous. I am the daughter. She is the mother. She shoulldn't call me to lean on me when something is upsetting her. Especially when everything upsets her. If she stopped to think about itshe'd realize that maybe putting her problems on her daughter who has been hospitalized for severe depression and anxiety is not the best idea.
There is nothing I can do about her problems, so I wish she'd stop calling me with them. My whole fricken day has been ruined because of her phone call and now all I feel like doing is crying. Not because i think there's any truth to what she is worried about, but because I hate her right now for calling me with such negativity and worry.
I never go to her with my problems. ever. The only times she's helped me with serious problmes I've had has been when it was so serious that she had to find out like the hospitalization thing, the jacob thing, and tuition thing. You know those times I got kicked out of school and readmitted. Did it all on my own. dind't even tell her I got kicked out. When I had no money to pay my utitlity bills, I didn't go to her, I did it all on my own. Anytime I get stressed out and owrried and even think i might fall back into my old habits, I still don't go to her, I dela with it on my own. So I hate it that I have to bottle up my feelings and cope wiht them on my own, but she gets to call me and cry to. It's just not fair. I'm the daughter. She's the mother. I shouoldn't have to be her voice of reason.
Now my mom is a strong woman who has gottnet hrough a lot on her own. But I think that somewhere down the line, I think when I went away to college, or maybe when she was sick, she got confused and decided that I was a friend she could lean on, and not her daughter who needed to lean on her.
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