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8:46 a.m. - 08/19/2008
For the record
For the record:
I'm a very silly girl. I say I'm going to do something and then I back down. I think it's that charm school etiquette part of me. To just be polite and not stir anything up. Funny thing is that I never went to charm school and my family is far from the soft spoken, polite, well mannered, sophisticated person I am (unless I'm drinking), so I don't know where I got it from. I sometimes hate this about myself. Not only does it make me come off as snobby, but it also prevents me from being honest about what I feel. Which in turn leads me to drive myself crazy wondering what would have happened had I just said something. I wish I didnt insist on appearing perfect all the time.
For the record:
I think that I am generally dissatisfied with my life and it's all my fault. I could be in grad school right now, but I'm too lazy (though I tend to use the excuse that I'm too busy) to take the GRE. I could be one step closer to accomplishing my carreer goals but instead I stay at this job I hate becasue it's easy. I know everyone, I can get away with anything, and take off whenever I want. The pay isn't what I should be making for the work I do, but again I'm too lazy to update my resume and search for a better one. This one was just kind of handed to me and I accepted because it was easy. Forget the fact that I work in Public Housing and I don't even like people. But realisitically I have to find something better. I think my excuse now is that I might want to move, so should i look for a job in another city or find one here for the time being. It's also gonna suck not having my oh so flexible schedule, but I think having a job that doesn't make me want to cry when I wake up in the morning abnd think about going into the office, is worth it.
For the record:
I think I may have lost my mind because I realized that I really really like this guy who I barely know. Well I feel like I know him and that he knows me, and even like we have a connection. Looking back on our conversations it's not that crazy for me to like him so much, I guess. I'm just not used to liking guys this much. They usually bore me or annoy me by assuming I'm stupid. He doesn't bore me or assume I'm stupid. But we haven't had much face time. Just a whole lot of talking. Which is important because before I met him I think I had given up on the idea of being able to have a real conversation wtih a guy (other than Danny who doesn't count becasue he's like my big brother). Even with Joe it's not the same. Joe and I can only talk about so much before his underlying views of male dominance start to get in the way and annoy me. Sure I listen, but I'm not happy about it, and when i try to state my point he tries to quiet me down. Yes mainly becasue I am speaking louder than I should, but that's only becasue I feel passionately about what we're talking about and proving him wrong. I was talking to him (the guy I like, not Joe) last night and it was great because he really seemed to get what I was talking about. Which is strange becasue not a lot of people actually 'get' me. I feel like he actually understood waht I was talking about and I like that a lot. Every time I talk to him I feel that way. When I think I've gone and said something weird and that he's neevr gonna want to talk to me again, he gets it. I just wish we didn't live so far away and could see each other more often.
For the record:
I also had an experience or rather a thought I guess, yesterday that confirmed just how insane I am. I was reading an article about how people in Anchorage Alaska are getting attacked by grizzley bears, and black bears, and even moose, and instead of thinking "wow, that's terrible, I'm glad I don't live there." I thought "wow it would be so amazing to live in such close proximity to such amazing animals. To have thier natural habitat be a part of my habitat." It just heightened my desire to move to alaska. Every one around me of course thinks I'm crazy. Of course I could never move there really becasue I get cold way too easily and would probably freeze to death. The thing about the article i was reading that kind of annoyed me was the people's reactions to the attacks. Most of the attacks took place on a trail along a stream that is filled with salmon. there are huge signs everywhere warning people of the danger of being attacked by a bear if they choose to take that dangerous path. Yet the stupid people do it anyway and then get all 'kill the bears' when they get attacked. Human's are not the only animals on the planet, they just act like it. And it annoys the hell out of me. The animals were there in that area first. If you're gonna move to a city built on land inhavbited by bears you know what you're getting yourself into. Don't complain. See I told you I was insane.
For the record:
That feeling that everything was better that I woke up with yesterday wasn't just fleeting. I do feel better. It's been a rough week, but it's over now. Life is too short to spend worrying about things and overanalyzing things and driving yourself crazy. This is my general rule and I try to live my life in a crefree manner, but sometimes those damn emotions get in the way and just make me insane.
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