Current Mood:
12:55 p.m. - 12/15/2008
changes definately made for the better
I'm in the process of writing a novel loosely based off of something that happened to me, and I've hit a roadblock, because now, I just can't seem to fathom how things could have spiraled out of control in the manner that they did, which makes it hard to wirte in a believable manner. I think that says a lot about how much i have changed though. 2 and a half years ago, I was a complete and total mess. I mean i have my moments now, especially with how unhappy I am with my life right now, but I can't imagine behaving like I did back then. Realistically i probably needed to be locked up in the looney bin for a whole lot longer than jsut that mandatory 72 hour hold. Also looking back on the whole situaiton with jacob, I cna't imagine how that happened. How I let that whole thing spiral out of control. How did I push him so far that he did that to me. Broken glasses, bruises all over my body, a black eye, and its not like this only happened once. I can't beleiev I just shrugged it off as my fault the first time he punched me in the arm and left a giant bruise. It's just crazy to think about. Even after the black eye I still dindt stay away from him. When I look back on it, it's like I'm watching a totally differnt perosn's life. I guess I could go back and read some of my diary entries from then to help me understand how things did get so out of control, but I'm kind of scared to. I don't really want to be reminded of the type of perosn i used to be. To say i was unstable would be a huge understatement. Seriously I don't know how my friends put up with me. That's what makes them so great though. They witnessed psychotic Lea firsthand and didnt go running and screaming in the opposite direction. if anything, they did everything they could to help. I'm glad I no longer think harming myself is the best way to deal wiht upsetting situations. I'm glad I no longer need to be in a relationship wiht someone to feel good about myself. I'm glad my happiness is no longer dependendt on if someone likes me or not. I'm glad that even though I screw up all the time, I am now able to also see all the wonderful things I have accomplished with my life, and am able to look towards the future when i will accomplish so much more. Lately I've gotten into the habit of saying that I hate my life quite often. But at least I;m not where I was back then. I think that was a life worth hating.
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