Current Mood:
2:05 p.m. - 04/09/2009
silently suffering
So I think this is my main problem. I have an emotional meltdown for about an hour. And if I let it play out without alcohol and drugs then within an hour or so I feel fine. And I'm able to function again. And I think of how stupid i was to get so upset about whatever it was that upset me. The problm is that I never reallty deal with the problem. I just push it away so that I can function again. I still have this sinking feeling, but it's like a little annoyance buzzing around me, that cna be ignored most of the time. Pushing these feelings away is really bad for me. But I dont know how to stop doing it. I tell myself that everyone feels this way sometimes. But I doubt everyone feels it to the extent that I do. I remember back when my mom was really sick and I had fallen into a hole of flunking out of school and drinking every day and sleeping around. I wasntt really able to pull myself out until one day I finally had one of my emotional outbursts actually at my mom (not in the privacy of my room like I normally do). She was able to see how upset she ws making me and I was able to actually get out all of the anger I had about her lack of concern for her own health, and things got better. It felt great to get it all out. It helped my mom understand why I had become the way I was, and it opened her eyes to how selfish she was being by not caring about her health, and she finally got the surgery she needed to keep her alive. And one day I finally flipped out at Andre about the way he treats his animals, which is also an issue that keeps me up at night, and I felt better about it. He stoppped talking to me for about a week and threatened to move out, but my mind was cleared of the situation becasue I was no longer keeping it all bottled up. I know that I need to do that wit everything that is bothering. Really talk it out or yell it out with whoever makes me feel that way, but I know I wont becasue I hate causing controversy. I dont mind silently suffereing as long as everyone around me is happy.
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