Current Mood:
11:49 a.m. - 04/09/2009
help
I need help. But I dont know how to ask for it. I feel myself slipping further and further into this black hole of nothingness and I dont know how to pull myslef out of it. Ignoring it wont make it go away becasue i've been trying that for the longest time and its only made it worse. I can't sleep at night becasue I'm constantly worrying about everything. Stuff that isnt even important. Like 3 weeks ago when Andre threw my food away, that still bothers me. And that i didnt get any pictures at the circus protest, and that two months ago my rabbit dug a hole into one of my favorite sweaters. You see this stupid stuff and other stuff like it is what keeps me up at night. My mind is just like you're so stupid Leandria. Or you're a horrible person andthats why this stuff happens to you. This is how it starts. Then it gets to the really bad stuff. No one will ever love you. you're own family doesnt even like you. No guy will ever want to marry you, you're only good for sex. It's like these things are constantly going through my head and I cant take it. The only thing that helps is drinking and drugs. Which is bad, I know. But I dont care, it stops these thoughts that are constantly going through my head. I need to go to therapy again and get back on meds to stabalize me, but that would jsut require too much effort. Effort that I'm not willing to put in right now.
I just hate this so much. I wish I could just pull myself up. Maybe someday soon I will be able to, but for now I'll continue to have these breakdowns and deal with them in a nonconstructive way. thats what prompted this blog. I was talking to my mom and she just made me feel so excluded from her and my brother, like a total outcast who they want nothing to do with. Deep down inside i know its not true. But I cant think rationally right now. my mind is just screaming at me, YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON AND NO ONE LIKES YOU!
It should be said that for the most part I have the most wondeful group of friends, but I cant really lean on them becasue its not in my personality to do so. I have this mentality where I have to deal with everything on my own and I cant get out of it. SO aside from the rare few who actually read this crap I write about, no one knows about this crazy struggle I'm going through with myself.
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