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5:01 p.m. - 10/11/2009
Unhealthy coping mechanisms
I desperately need to learn how to cope with my emotions. For as long as I can remember I've always had some kind of crutch to prevent me from feeling unpleasnt feelings, or rather to distract me from them. When I start to cry, I hate it so I do something to make me forget about the problem, never actually dealing with it. It used to be cutting, or sometimes even bruising myself, that would completely calm me down. After that it was xanax, then pot, then muscle relaxers, then vicodin, and then i actually calmed down for a little while. I don't think I was dealing with my emotions at that point, but i think i didnt need a coping mechanism because i had desensitzeed myself to feelings in general. Now I'm back to the pot but its a lot worse than it has ever been. I p[retty much stay high all the time in order to avoid feeling or caring about anything. So I'm trying to cut back on that, but right now I think I'm hormonal so everything bad that happens is making me cry and i cant deal with it. I wonder if being a complete basketcase could qualify me for a medical marijauana prescription. Now its not like it turns me into one of those mindless zombies that doesnt function. I function perfectly fine, it just takes the edge off of my caring so much. That's my problem, even though i like to pretend I don't care at all, I actually care way too much about pretty much everything. I'm overly sensitive and overly empathetic, so even things that don't even happen to me upset me. I'll dwell on something so small for weeks blaming myself the whole time. And in my mind it always comes down to me being a horrible person or a screw up . i dont like the idea of myself using drugs, but isn't it better than self mutilation? especially when its really nothing that addictive. I haven't cut myself in years, since october 2007 if i recall correctly. I'm not 100% sure that i dindt have a slip up in between now and then though. But anyway thats a big accomplishment,but i dont think i could have done it without the drugs, especially after the last few months. So would it be better for me to sit here and slice myself up into a bloody mess, or to smoke a little, and actually stop caring and crying, watch a funny movie and actually have the ability to laugh and feel relaxed on this horrible day.

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