Current Mood:
11:14 p.m. - 10/25/2009
Just some updates
1) I wish that I were living life to the fullest, but instead I'm sitting around fantasizing about what my life should be like. I never take action because I'm too afraid of the consequences.
2) Royce and I are finally friends again. I missed him and Amy soo much during those two months. I don't know what it is about him, but I just always have such a great time with him. I love his stupid games that he comes up with (like who can name the most spices, how many ice cubes can we fit into dave's pocket, how many of the same items do two girls have in thier purse) that everyone else thinks are stupid. I love the way he likes to set up pictures that we take. I just love that we have soooo much fun together.
3)I'm worried about my mental health but cant bring myself to go to the psychiatrist. I feel myself becoming more of an emotional mess every day. Maybe it's age? Or maybe its the fact that i do have a mental disorder that i haven't been treated for in years finally catching up with me. I cry at frickin everything now, and before I never cried. Movies, tv shows, songs, getting yelled at, finding out someone doesn't like me or thinks bad things about me, being judged for my beliefs, hearing the ignorant view points of other people, all this stuff that i used to not care about at all leaves me in tears every night.
4) I have a horrible case of insomnia. Probably a result of my mental disorder that I'm not treating.
5)I'm lonely. I haven't had a real boyfriend in years and Im beginning to hate it. Especially with so many people around me pairing up. We go out and everyone has a guy and i'm the whorry single friend that just has one night stands. Biut wait I'm not even doing that job right, because I turn down every guy I meet when I'm out because I'm too picky, and hate meeting guys in bars, and am just kind of over that lifestyle. It seems that I'm only ever attracted to guys who turn out to be assholes or losers or drug addicts. Is it too much to ask for a guy who is smart, creative, cute, plays the guitar, makes me laugh, likes to smoke and drink, likes animals and is openminded to trying vegetarian food? Maybe he doesnt hhave to be all of those things, he just has to be a nice guy that I get along with, and can help me with this loneliness I feel. I have plenty of awesome friends, but it's just not the same. And I am just over being a third wheel, or in some cases a 5th wheel.
6)I've been doing a lot of volunteer work with PETA lately and I absolutely love it. i get such a rush from doing that kind of work, handing out free vegan food, and leafletting. It is however making me more uncompromising in my views on animal cruelty. I get closer and closer to being a vegan every day. And apparently piss more and more people off every day by talking about how horrible the meat industry is. I'm growing to hate my aunt Lana because she likes to make fun of me and make smart ass comments about my veiws. She's so ignorant and I can't stand it. Although that seems to be the norm among my family. I think about cutting off all ties with them sometimes, but I know that deep down inside they are decent people ( I can't call them good people because good people dont disrespect other people the way that they disrespect me).
7) BTW remember that prince charming i thought id met at a bar in florida while i was on vacation? He turned out to be a giant cokehead. So needless to say an end has been put to that.
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