Current Mood:
12:42 a.m. - 11/12/2009
I fantasize about cutting....
Bewtween you and me, when i get upset like this and have nothing to smoke, I fantasize about cutting myself. The way it feels to press the blade against your skin, first you feel the coolness of the blade, then a slight burning feeling as the cut is made. Then the stinging, then the blood slowly starts to surface and trickle out of the wound. the blood is warm, but it doesn't burn. The whole process makes me feel like i can breathe again. As the blood flows out, all of my tension and anger, and sadness, and frustration flows out with it. Each cut is like cutting a hole into a blocked airway, and it helps me breathe better. It relaxes me.
I fantasize about cutting, but i don't think I'll ever do it again. The tempation is very strong, but I think that i maybe stronger than i realize. It would be so easy, and i feel so much better. maybe even be able to sleep. But instead I'm sitting here hyperventilating from crying so much, hating my life and everything about it. Wanting nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. I have to keep telling myself that maybe if i hold out until tomorrow everything will be okay. Reminding myself that while cutting feels good and offes some releif, it leaves nasty scars and I'm too pretty to be stuck with scars like that for life. The old ones are finally starting to fade away. I've gotten into these unprovoked states of depression before and i logically know that it will pass. But until it does I feel like i'm in hell. It feels like torture.
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