Current Mood:
12:54 p.m. - 12/19/2009
Fuck DC winters! I HATE snow!
I hate being alone. I need to be around people. And I'm stuck in the house because of this stupid snowstorm right now. The only complany being my mom, brother and the cats, and they aren't the kind of people I need to be around because they actually drive me to want to shoot myself in the head. I'm really worried about what might happen to me this weekend. I'm already tempted by the blade. It hasn't even been that long, but just the feeling of being trapped here makes me cry. I've been crying off and on since last night. I'm seriously overdosing on valerian root and st. john's wort hoping by some miracle they might calm me down. I'm probably just going to end up making myself sick though. If only I had some green, everything would be okay. I wouldn't care. but I don't have any, so my mind is driving me crazy. I'm having a series of hard core anxiety attacks and it's no fun. I have 1 vicodin that I'm resisting the urge to take because what if things get worse? This is just the beginning. So I don't want to waste it right now. I'm saving it for that point when I have the blade in my hand and am about to press it against my skin. For now I'm just thinking about it, so I think I can hold off. I have some other mediocre prescription painkillers, but they don't make me happy, they just put me to sleep. I guess I could sleep away the weekend. Or maybe by some miracle if I take them, they'll actually work on my emotional pain as well. Even though these stupid storms only happen every once in a while, I've resolved to move back to florida very soon now, because I don't ever want to be snowed in again. Fuck DC winters, or winters anywhere that snow falls on the ground. I need to save some more money, so I think that 4 months will do. So I'm moving in April. Yeah winter will be over by then, but still, I feel like if I wait until the fall I might actually end up here for part of next year's winter. That also means that I won't be getting a place with Kate and Vicky and that I actually have to stay at my mom's house for the next months. But at least after that i'll be back i florida where I can truelly be happy.
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