Current Mood:
9:17 a.m. - 01/14/2010
To my family I'm a failure
Whys is it that I constantly hear how wonderful all of my volunteer work is, and how amazing it is that I work full time, take classes, and volunteer at the zoo and PETA from everyone except my family. I go out and fight the good fight for helpless animals, I want to dedicate my life to conserving endangered species, I always turn in nearly perfect documents at work and have them singing my praises all the time, but according to my mom and other memebers of my family, I can't do anything right. Everything bad that happens is always my fault. Something goes wrong, blame Leandria. All she ever does is cause problems. Is it any wonder I hate my life so much that i feel the need to be in some altered state of consciousness all the time. I've gotten good about not smoking every day, but that's mainly because i dont have easy access to it anymore and have to remind myself to try to save some for real emergencies when I'm about to cut myself. I've still been cut free since October 2007. At least I'm pretty sure I have. A part of me wants to think I've slipped up, but if I did I really honestly don't remember it. I remember the temptation being there, and I remember fighting really really hard to resist it. I think I pretty much became a pothead to prevent myself from ever slicing open my own skin again.
Why does she blame me for everything? Why is my asshole brother who isnt doing anything with his life the golden child who can do no wrong. i get that he is disabled, but his disability can be easily managed, he just refuses to get treatment for it, and she allows him to live like that. That asshole has the nerve to criticize me when i can't help out my mom because I'm so exhausted I just pass out. How dare he! what the hell does he ever have to do? Last night I was exhausted and passed out around 8:30pm. well at some point my mom decided to give all of the cats their medicine. She needed my help telling the black cats apart, but i was sleeping. i woke up a little after midnight and my brother yelled at me. Excuse me asshole, after getting 3 hours of sleep I went into the zoo and did manual labor on my feet for 6 hours. I also had to walk 1.5 miles each way to get to and from the zoo from the metro. I came home and did a couple hours of HUD work, (which is always exhausting because a little part of me dies every day that I stay at this job that I hate,). At that point I was really tired and about to pass out, but I forced myself to get up to go do some anti-fur leafleting with Brittany for an hour in the cold. Of course I was exhausted! How dare he criticize me. he who spends his days sleeping or playing video games. Must be nice to have no responsibilities. I wish more than anything that I could sit around doing nothing all day. I'm technically mentally disabled also. Borderline Personality Disorder, Impulse control Disorder, and Dysthymia are all seriously incapacitating, but instead of sititng on my ass and taking government handouts I actually try to overcome them.
I need to get the hell out of DC or at least out of that house quick fast and in a hurry.
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