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12:00 a.m. - 02/08/2010
Neurosis
So lately I haven't really been writing in here for completely neurotic reasons. A lot has been happening in my life and I've been feeling a lot of things lately. Things that scare me a little, things that excite me, things that make me smile yet feel uncomfortable at the same time. Things that hurt and feel wonderful at the same time. And I've tried to document these things as they occur, but everytime I see it in writing I have to erase it because I'm afraid I might be reading too much into things, or that I'm being stupid and fooling myself, or that maybe things are finally working out for me, but I don't want to get my hopes up and jinx it. Whatever the case may be about the situation, I think that the main issue is that I am feeling. And I hate feeling. Sure I hate being numb and cold on the inside too sometimes, and I complain about it, but I hate feeling even more, because when I do feel, I feel too much. That's why I attempt to numb my feelings with drugs and alcohol. Anything that I allow myself to feel, I feel too passionately. That's how I always end up getting hurt.
These things are unexpected, to a certain extent, but make perfect sense if you take a look at the big picture. It's weird to say the least, but feels so right. If that makes any sense at all. There will be consequences. There always are. And right now I also have a safer option with less severe consequences, but with less severe consequences comes a dulled down passion.
This makes no sense, because like I said I can't bring myselef to write about it. I can't even write a short story loosely based on it. The words just wont go down on paper. But the wheels in my head are constantly turning bribging me happy thoughts of what could be, very soon.
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