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8:19 a.m. - 05/28/2010
BPD emotional rollar coaster
So I think I might be bipolar or something. Yesterday after my breakdown the day before, I felt fine. I apologized to my mother for the huge argument that we got into, that I started via e-mail because i'm always too embarassed to do anything mushy or that shows that I have some semblance of a heart or soul around her. isn't that weird. I guess when she raised us we were never really too touchy feely, althouth it wasn't like we were never that way. I definately remember cuddling with my motther and using her as a pillow for naps well up until age 9. But I guess it wasn't often. and we never really said I love you. so anything emotional is beyond my scope.
Anyway, as far as guys go, I don't care. So what if I can't get with one of them. I didn't even like him all that much anyway. I thought he was a little more mature and beyond the one night stand thing so i made myself only look at his good qualities because i thought that potentially he might be the only one of my flack of suitors that actually had long term potential.
But anyway next week I have 2 dates, both with guys I like and who I have great sex with. One of them is perfect for me. Really perfect, he has pretty much everything on my list of requirements. he even smokes. (Smokers are a dying breed becasue of the high cigarette tax and all that stuff about it being bad for your health.) While i find that most of the guys I end up going out with are non-smokers, and that its not that big of a deal because i only have a few cigs a day, its refreshing to not have to worry about blowing smoke at a non-smoker or having cig breathe when you go to kiss a nonsmoker and them being grossed out. I also always go back and remember how Jacob tried to get me to quit smoking and how disasterous that whole thing ended.
But anyway the whole point is that I'm fine. I was just having an emotional and bitchy day. It's not that I'm bipolar, but the self centeredness and rollar coaster of emotions that come with my diagnosed borderline personality disorder is starting to come out more and more and I don't like it one bit.
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