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8:39 p.m. - 09/09/2010
A recent developmen: I love sleep!
I've spent most of my life hating sleep. I thought it was a waste of time, and felt like I missed out on so much as a result of it. I slept only when necessary, but for the most part stayed awake until my body was literally forced to pass out of exhaustion. As an adult, I've suffered from serious insomnia. Even when I want to sleep, i've been unable to as a result of this insomnia. proabably because of a subconscious disdain for it. However over the past week, I've grown to absolutely love it. I used to hate dreams because they'd buid my hopes up and then I'd have to awaken to cruel reality. But this past week the concept of never waking entered my mind. I could go on about my daily excruciating activities as necessary, and then come home and sleep until it was time for me to perform these horrific activities again. I've woken up on several occasions fully rested since i've been making an extra effort to go to bed early, and instead of getting up and going into work, I've forced myself back to sleep and back into the dream world. this worries me because part of being depressed is sleeping all day, and right now I desire nothing more than to be able to do that. I'd pick sleeping over hanging out with my friends in a second. I hope that my interest in sleep has more to do with my desire to understand the dream world, more tha anything else. I fear that my depression may be excusing itself in this obsession with dreams. You see, for as long as I can remember I've suffered from sleep paralysis. I'll wake up and have absolutely no control over my body and feel as though I can't breathe. I have to use every once of strength in me to focus on moving something small like a toe or a finger in order for me to snap out of the paralysis. it's actually the scariest feeling in the entire world. And I've been doign some reading that suggests that it's astral projecting. I don't know how much I believe in the concept, but it does sound intriguing, and so I'm investigating it further.
In the mean time this love of sleep that I'm developing has to come to an end. I've seen friends of mine, who suffer from depression, fall into this habit and sleep away their lives, missing out on all things fun. I can't allow that to happen and I'm severely concerened about the fact that instead of going out to have a drink with my friends after work, I try to leave work early so I can get in an afternoon nap before dinner. Even though I've had the nap, guess what I do right after dinner? Go right back to sleep. Sleep shouldn't be something I lok forward to, it should be something that my body needs to replenish itself. I should continue to function on the bare minimum. I'm trying to convince myself of this, but tis' not working. In fact as I type, all I want to do is go to sleep. I'll try to stay up at least til 10 tonight though.
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