Current Mood:
5:35 p.m. - 09/22/2010
lack of feeling
i'm not sure if I feel empty inside or if I am genuinely upset about something. Something just doesn't feel right. Perhaps being void of feelings is upsetting me because its so unnatural. Yesterday i took off of work because I felt like I should be depressed. I thought I might sleep the day away in a depression. But I didn't. I could have gone to work. I didnt sleep at all, and i was even semi-productive and tried a couple of new recipes (PETA's vegan chocolate break up pudding and something i made up with cabbage, onions, tofu and garlic.) My brother ruined my break up pudding by adding wasabi almonds to it, so now its too hot for me to eat and i almost cried over that. but other than that I felt nothing.
I go through phases of feeling too much, and then phases of not feeling at all. Both are painful and depressing. Why can't i just be normal. I have a strong urge to cut myself, but i dont really know why because nothing is upsetting me. Today should have been a good day. Naba gave birth to 3 cubs while I was there. how amazing is that? So why am I not ecstatic that it happened while i was there?
I'm uncomfortable. I feel like I need to cry, but i can't. I feel like cutting might help, but i wont give into the temptation. What i really need are some good drugs. unfortunately i dont have any.
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