Current Mood:
2:13 p.m. - 02/08/2011
Disappointments
Why does it seem like every time I make the mistake of allowing myself to get excited about something, I get disappointed? Well not something, someone really. Anytime I get excited about a guy I get disappointed. Not that it's even that big of a deal, and it's not like we're not going to see each other anymore. He just wont be able to make it to my birthday party. Under normal circumstances I would never tell anyone that he was going to come, because I've learned that people, especially the ones I date are unreliable. But I did allow myself to get excited about having him there, and having him meet my friends, and for once not being the only person without a date at the party. And I told some people that he would be there. Now they are going to think that he's blowing me off because he doens't like me. That's not the case, but after all of the other guys I've dated and talked about with them, that's what they'll think.
Why don't things ever work out for me? I'm not too excited about the party anyway, considering my current state of depression and my lack of motivation to be around people and leave the house. But i was excited about seeing him. Now that he wont be there, what do I have to be excited about? That I'm another year older and still haven't accomplished anything in my life? That my mom hates my personality and is pissed at me because my friends are having the party for me, and as a result doesn't want to celebrate with the family at all. I love my friends, but I also love my family and I hate being shunned because I have a life outside of them. I've technically been single since Jacob. How much does that suck? It's going on 5 years. I've done plenty of dating, but all the guys tend to end up using me for sex and then discarding me. I know its silly and that I shouldn't care (and for the most part I act like I don't care), but honestly it hurts that things didn't work out with Zack, or Jay, or Anthony, or Jeff, or Marty. The first two I really liked, I mean really liked. I could have seen myself having long relationships with either of them. We had so much in common. The others I didn't like as much, but would have settled for and it's a bummer that they only wanted me for sex.
It's funny how when I actually allow myself to get excited about stuff I get disappointed, and when I don't things turn out great. Lesson should be not to get excited, but I'm stupid. This whole no date thing isn't the only problem with the party. Yesterday there was drama between two of my very good friends who used to date kind of sort of. Initially they were both going to come to the party, but now she's not because he's bringing his new gf and not only that, but she just found out that he's been lying to her about the new girl for a while now. I hate seeing her upset, but he was my friend first and is my best male friend, so I have to be loyal to him and put on a nice face for his new girl. Which is another issue, considering the fact that there's something about her that I just don't like. (Whatever I don't like about her has nothing to do with the other girl who he used to date and who I am friends with. I just get a not so great vibe from her).
This whole thing with my mother is really what's upsetting me. I think the guy not being able to make it to my party is just an excuse to be upset. Really it's not that bad. (the thing with the guy, not with my mother, that is actually really bad.) He said he's upset that he can't make it and wants to do a delayed celebration next week. So it's not like he doesn't like me. Sometimes things just come up. But again, it is a bummer because I FINALLY thought that I'd have a date at one of these parties.
�
�
