Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry
Currently listening to:

Current Mood:

1:07 p.m. - 03/15/2011
I wonder
Through a little bit of online stalking mainly out of boredom, I found out that my abusive ex boyfriend Jacob is engaged. I wonder if his fiance knows about what happened between us. How do you bring up stuff like that to the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with? I'm not angry or jealous, or bitter, or anything about the news. I'm actually happy that he's found someone. Even though we fought in the end and he had no right to ever hit me the way that he did, I will admit that I did him wrong. I was a horrible girlfriend. A part of me still thinks I deserved what he did (a very small part). I like to thinnk that our relationship had no impact on my life. But it did. I can honestly say I have serious trust issues as a result of all the lying that he did at the end of our relationship. I also still quickly fall into the mentality that all I'm good for is sex and that's the only reason that guys want me. That mentality is a result of the way he degraded me at the end of our rleationship. I remember him calling me his big breasted slut, and telling me to go down on him since it's all I'm really good at. He was seeing someone else romantically and would come home to me for sex. And as much as I'd like to pretend that didn't impact my mentality, it did. I'm smart enough to know that I am better than that. But every once in a while the idea creeps into my head, and it's all his fault. I'm afraid to express my true nature to guys I date because of him, as well. He knew about the depression and the cutting, because I trusted him. And when it got really bad, his idea of fixing the problem was to hit me so I'd feel pain from him, and not feel the need to cut myself. it didn't work He only made it worse. Deep down I think I might be afraid to show that side of myself to anyone because of what happneed with him. And if I can't share a very significant part of my life with whoever I'm dating, then I'm not giving them my all. I'm hiding an important part of myself from them.

Anyway, I know that I've changed and matured a great deal since all of that drama happened and I'm sure that Jacob has too. Or maybe I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and he's still a jerk and he beats his fiance and her kids. Who knows. Either way I don't think i care. I just wonder how one goes about sharing their history of domestic abuse with the perosn they are going to marry.

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!