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10:56 a.m. - 11/03/2011
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For starters I'm no longer in crisis mode like I was on Monday. Post PMS, everything was fine. No migrane, no sadness, no random crying.

Now on to my new issue. There's something/someone that I've been trying to forget about since he did me wrong. Realy wrong. One of those guys who used me. But I can't seem to let it go. It's not that I want to be with him or still have anything to do with him. That is not the case at all. I think I just want to be able to admit to people that he did hurt me. I never admit that to people. And maybe that's why it creeps up in my mind every once in a while like yesterday. Because I never have been able to say I was upset by his actions. Hell, I actually cried over it.
And on top of that, the whole thing really left me questioning myself as a person. I don't know why I'm impacted by it so much, but he honestly made me feel like I'm not good enough to be relationship material. No matter what has happened with other guys before, no one has ever made me feel like this. And it's worse because it's not even like he was that great. But I did like him. I had a good time with him, I thought we had a lot in common and fun together. So why didn't he want a relationship with me. It's stupid for me to even care because I was sleeping with someone else while I was with him. But that was just my dysfunctional way of dealing with the fact that he didn't ask me to be exclusive. Had he asked I would have said yes. But he never did. And then he asked somoene else. Someone who he was probably seeing while he was seeing me. Why was she better than me? That's what really bothers me I guess. That there was someone else who he felt was better than me. As much as I rationally know that someday i will find someone who thinks I'm good enough to be in a relationship with, irrationally I think that everything is going to end like it did with him. Irrationally I think I'll never be good enough to be someone's girlfriend in public, just their peice of ass on the side. That's really all I've been to pretty much every guy I've dated post jacob. Which is sad because post Jacob started in 2006 and it's now nearing the end of 2011.
I mean I guess it could be my fault. I probably shouldn't see more than one guy at a time. But had I not been sleeping with that other guy while I was seeing the man in question, then our 'breakup' (for lack of a better word) would have made me feel even worse, since clearly he was seeing other people, which is how she came to be his girlfriend. Uhg, this whole thing makes me sick. I just wish I dind't care so much.

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