Current Mood:
10:55 a.m. - 11/07/2011
Stop telling me to smile
Without any provocation I just want to cry. I want to go back home, get into bed and hide under the covers all day. Remember when you were a kid and that behavior was acceptable when you were upset about something. Why can't it be acceptable now. I feel like a few days of hibernation in my room might make me feel better. All of the fake smiles, and pretending to be okay when I really just want to die, is exhausting. And it only makes me more upset, because it reminds me of how abnormal I am. I'm so abnormal, that something as simple as a smile throughout the day is fake for me. Why can't it be socially acceptable for me to look upset througout the day? I am upset. all day every day. But if I walk around without a fake happy look on my face then I get a million comments from not only people I know, but from complete strangers telling me to smile, and that it can't be that bad. Guess what assholes who live in stupid little bubbles where you can be happy all the time and wear your fake smiles? It IS that bad. I look upset because I'm internally struggling to stay alive. And maybe you pointing out the fact that I'm not smiling just made it worse, because it pointed out my abnormality. You pointed out that even though I try to hide it, I just failed at yet another thing, trying to be normal and fake smile. That failure of mine that you just pointed out could be the thing that pushes me over the edge. That one tipping point that makes me lose the struggle to survive. That makes me give up all hope and end it all. So what have we learned from this blog? Stop telling me to smile. I'm not happy and that's what smiles are for, to show happiness. I'm at war with myself, and there's little time for smiles in the middle of a war.
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