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2:44 p.m. - 12/16/2011
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The problem with not being an ice queen is that you leave yourself open to getting hurt. the problem with being an ice queen is that I never really am one, I'm just good at playing one in real life. So even though I appear to not be hurt or affected at all, I'm usually dying on the inside. All the while people are judging me for not caring enough, when in actuality I care too much, I just don't want to show it.
I've recently tried this new thing of being honest about my feelings, and saying what i mean. It only works about 50% of the time (and I'm being generous with that number, probably more like 35% of the time but baby steps right). The problem that I have is when I'm open about my feelings, my excitement, my anything, and then something happens and things dont go as expected I'm horribly disappointed. Embarassment is added to the mix when other people know that i was actually excited about soemthing and it didn't work out, since everyone knows. So in order to avoid embarassment on top of disappointment I just pretend not to care. And disappointment for me is a lot worse than it is for most people. It's the kind of thing that makes me think about cutting myself. If you throw in the embarassment on top of that then a blade my actually make contact with my skin (so far I've managed to avoid actually penetrating the skin since 2007, but the blade has definitely touched my skin).
Why am I even talking about this? I've lost my train of thought. But pretty much I'm kind of disappointed and hurt about something, and in spite of my efforts to be more open, I can't really bring myself to talk about it, because it's stupid. I'm embarassed that I feel this way.
Emotions in other people annoy me. Probably because I'm jealous. I wish I could just break down and be upset about something in front of other people. It helps to talk it out. As evidenced by a situation I had to deal with at the end of the summer. I still don't think I'm over that 100%. Every once in a while it'll creep back into my mind and make me question what it is about me that makes me unloveable. See that just sounds stupid. Can you imagine me whining about being unloveable out loud. But at the same time, I need to because it's truelly something that eats me up inside.
I always have this feeling of self-loathing, that I disguise with arrogance. I think my fake confidence/arrogance is a result of me trying to hard to convince others not to see me the way I see myself. And maybe trying to convince myself that I am actually awesome, and not a horrible, unloveable person.

A weird thing I noticed the other day is that people actually do like me though. Apparently I'm charming, nice, thoughtful, funny, smart, fun... People always want to be my friend. I make friends without even trying, because I am closed off, they have to do all the work, and somehow I've eneded up with more friends than I know what to do with. All of that should convince me that I'm not the worst perosn ever. But it doesn;t.

I don't really know what the purpose of this was. I feel like all I accomplished was a lot of rambling about stupid stuff. I think the gist of why I starting writing this is that I'm upset about something, and I don't know how to talk to anyone about it. I feel like if I just said it outloud it would help. But I can't. Maybe I need to stop blogging ang go bakc to a handwritten diary. I feel like they were less censored, since no one was supposed to read it, as opposed to this, where I make myself an open book.

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