Current Mood:
10:13 p.m. - 02/10/2012
Pre birthday blues (dejavu)
The night before my birthday always leaves me in tears for some reason. Today I had a revelation that it's probably because it falls around period/pms time. But still, I think it might be more about the fact that I'm not really doing anything with my life. Another year older and still alone. That sounds stupid, especially when you take into consideration how much I have expanded the circle of people who care about me over the last few years. I have PETA friends, high school friends, college friends, work friends, zoo friends, and then random friends from other places. I have my family. But I guess no matter how much I like to pretend that I'm a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life, I long for the comapanionship that only a real life partner would bring.
I'm also always reminded of how much my carreer path is not where I would like for it to be. I'm stuck at this stupid job because I lack the drive to move towards something that is actually of interest to me.
Really I'm just reminded that everything that everyone thinks I have is fake. I've been faking it until I make it for so long, that all I know how to do now is fake it.
So here I am, the night before my special day, sitting at home alone on a friday night "making the most of a bad time, I'm smoking the brains from my head...."
And do you want to know a secret? I kind of regret setting up this party. I'd be so happy to just sit at home alone and stay in bed getting high and crying tomorrow, because that's all I feel like doing right now. Having people over for a party just means putting on more of an act. Pretending to be happy, when I'm dead on the inside.
�
�
