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4:42 p.m. - 03/05/2018
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, I used this to write about fun stuff. About my day. About random thoughts and frustrations. Not just as a place to briefly reinforce how much being an adult sucks and how much I wanted to die.
So here I sit at what must be my rock bottom. Oh man, I really hope this is my rock bottom. And I'm finally ready to start building again. And this time, since it's from the foundation it won't crumble again. Like all those almost meltdowns. I mean they were meltdowns, and they did kind of ruin your life at the time. But none as severe as these last ones. Nothing that would make me do such awful things to a person who selflessly supported me through the most difficult time of my life.
Long story short on why I've been so miserable for so long. Dan moved into my house in May. My mom found out in June when I was out of town and she was snooping in my house without my permission while my brother was pet-sitting. And she flipped the fuck out. She set out to make my life miserable. How dare I let a freeloading friend live in the house she helped me get? She would not listen to the fact that he was giving me $600 a month, which I really needed at the time, his presence made me feel slightly safer since it's not the best neighborhood, and I was 34 years old at the time, now 35, so why the fuck should she have any say in waht I do?
After a few months of torture, during which I slowly started losing my mind and treating Dan not so well, but he still was there to help me, we moved to another house in Bethesda.
A month in, a day before rent is due, all of my money in my bank accounts is frozen. My mother has sued me and gotten a judgement for over $5000 against me without my knowledge. Guess what she sued me for? Eviction form that house that I was no longer living in.
My mother haunted me during the whole proces of having over $600 garnished from each chekc because of her, and Dan still supported me. And I kept flipping out on him. Like serious flipouts. And my depression got out of control. And I was lonly all the time for no reason because during this awful time I actually had more support than anyone could possibly ak for. I just chose to only see the fact that I must be an awful person because my own mother was puttiing holes in walls. Flipping out on poor Dan.
He finally had enough and moved out and I couldn't even make that easy for him.
But after everything I did to him. How much I tortured him, he is still my friend. And I can no longer take that for granted. I am so lucky that he still chooses to see me after what I did to him to the very last day.
So now I'm gonna force myself to rebuild. I'm still really really depressed. But I can't let it take over anymore.

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