Current Mood:
7:58 a.m. - 10/13/2003
Waiting and Wondering....
I hate waiting....Waiting and wondering... And that's what I'm doing right now. Waiting for a response from Duffie...Wondering if he is going to respond at all... Wondering waht we're going to say to each other when he does respond. Will I have the courage to tell him the truth? Or will I continue to go on with a relationship that is filled with lies? If I do tell him the truth, will he forgive me? Will he tell me what I've suspected all along, or will he be too hurt to ever speak to me again?
I hope everything works out for us, because, as everyone knows, I still love him. A part of me always will. No other guy has ever made me feel the way that he made me feel.
You know just when I start accepting the end of our relationship, I hear from him.... It always happens that way. Last fall, last spring, last summer, and now again....MAybe the fact that it's happened so many times before is a sign that I need to just have it be over with....but I can't....
Last night when I saw the e-mail form him in my inbox, a part of me wanted to delete it just to have it be over with, but I couldn't...I was so nervous about the contents of that e-mail, and when I opened it, it was waht I hoped for and feared at the same time. Another misunderstanding. Another turn of events that led me to belive that he no longer loved me when in actuality he still did. Why does this happen so often?
That has to say something bad about our relationship, but my heart doesn't care. It won't learn. It keeps running back for more abuse whenever he calls.... But is it really abuse?
I can't determine whether things are really as bad as they seem or if I'm just too needy and overdramatic. When we're together he's great. I can always feel the love between us. But when we're apart, that's when the trouble starts, and unfortunately we're apart too often. I just don't know. I wish I could have a face to face conversation with him in which we are just completely honest with each other about everything and start over.
Who knows, maybe I will be able to get that. I hope so.
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