Current Mood:
8:40 a.m. - 10/14/2003
My true self
What has happened to me in these past few years?
Academic Probation used to be a foreign concept to me and now I'm struggling to get off of it, so that I don't get kicked out of school. I no longer have the motivation and the drive to do school work...or any work in general for that matter. I've also lost my ability to perform well under stressful situations.
I am so disappointed in myself. Right now I hate myself. I am such a failure.
Maybe I should go back on medication. The last time I lost my motivation for school to this extent was Senior Year of high school, and although the drugs obviously ddin't completely resolve my mental condition, they did help a littel with my motivation levels. Currently I am not motivated to do anything. The fact that I am on the verge of flunking out of school isn't even motivating me.
When did I turn into such a dirtbag?
How did this happen to me?
Why did I allow it to happen?
I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.
Or maybe I know myself a little too much now.
Maybe I've finally gotten in touch wiht what I really want and come to realize that it does not fall in line with what society and my family want for me.
MAybe that's the reason why I am no longer motivated to do well in school.
Looking back on my life, from age 10 on, I've always wanted to grow up to have a nontraditional, carreer that I would actually enjoy. At some point in time I've wanted to be an artist, an actress, a singer, a music video director, or a writer. I finally decided on writer becasue it's the only carreer that has been something I have constantly wanted to do throughout my life, and I have a lot more talent for that than most of the other things. But anyway, the point is, maybe my true self never cared about school in the first place. I just made good grades to please everyone else. I remember when I was younger and I would tell everyone that I wanted to be a writer or an artist when I grew up they would be disappointed and shocked becasue I was such a good student, and good students typically wnated to go on to be doctors or lawyers, or do some other professional job. These early reactions form other people are probably signs that I was making good grades to please other people. I didn't fit into the mold of the other straight A students.
Maybe now that I know waht really makes me happy, I don't want to waste time doing things that are not goign to help me with the carreer that I would like to persue. Just think about it, the classes that I am struggling to stay motivated in are all classes that I will never need in life...i.e. History, Chemistry, Anthropology....
Well whatever the case may be, it is now
past 5 am and I have a history paper that is 5 days over due that needs to be worked on so that I can at least turn it in by Thursday, if not tomorrow, or later today rather. So I must go back to doing soething that I hate and that will never be of use to me in life, in order to get myself off of academic probation and prevent myself from flunking out of school.
�
�
