Current Mood:
8:41 a.m. - 2003-10-25
Who am I?
I was aked a very important question tonight.
"Lea, who are you?"
And the truth is I really don't know.... Who am I really? I am what everyone wannts me to be. I am a combination of the hopes and dreams of my family memebers, and the best and wosrst qualities of my friends (and I use the term friend very loosely).
And I hate myself for it...
I hate myself for a lot of things... so much that it has gotten back to the point of self mutilation... and not just in the cutting sense, (although I have picked that nasty habit back up again) but drining excessively, and sleeping around and refusing to go to class, are all other ways i self mutilate myself in addition to the cutting. That's how much I hate myself. Do you see the damage I'm doing?
I'm trying to remember a happy time, and I wish more than anything that I can go back to it.... Junior year of high school perhaps? The beginning... before I started flipping out when people ignored me or disagreed with me or took someone else's side over mine.... BAck when I was a straight A student and had an active social life. Oh god, what has happened to me? How did this become who I am? IS this who I am? Am I too far gone to return to my prior self?
Tonight I was reminded of why up until last year I didn't have many female friends. There are just too many unspoken female rules that I being who I am, am destined to break. I guess I broke one tongiht unknowingly. I really don't know. All I know is that I'm sick of the bullshit. Girls can be so fake sometimes. I like friendships where everyhting is out in the open and everything is real.
Back to the question of who I am. I really would like to find the true Leandria. I'd like to find a Leandria who doesn't hate herself.
Teers streams down from my face....
I find it harder to breathe....
Blood pours from the wounds....
FInally everything goes dark....
It's all over....
No more pain to feel.....
Nothing left is real.....
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