Current Mood:
1:38 p.m. - 03/20/2007
unstable weather patterns
I think maybe there's something in the air that is just making people feel generally crappy. Maybe it's the unstable weather patterns. But for some reason today, I have just felt horrible. I have no reason to feel this way. Nothing terrible has happened to me today, in fact nothing even slightly out of the ordinary has happened, yet I keep having these uncontrollable feelings of self loathing that make me want to slice my arms up or just crawl away somewhere and sleep.
What makes this pain I'm feeling even more unbearbale is the fact that I can't figure out where it's coming from. There's something pulling at my insides and twisting them up in knots and I don't know how to stop it. I want to cry, but what would crying accomplish aside from making my mascara run and my eyes puffy and red?
Maybe it's my acceptance of the fact that I am destined to be alone. No one is good enough for me, or maybe it's just that I'm not good enough for them, I haven't quite figured out which way it goes. But either way equates to my eternal lonliness. Watching the "happy" couples hold hands and kiss and wishing that I could have that too. Trying to have that and ruining it by partaking in "shady lady" actions.
I say that's what I want, but when the opportunity approaches me, I run in the opposite direction. I find some small, insignificant flaw and make it an excuse to run away. And if that doesn't work I give them countless reasons to run away from me.
Why ruin a good thing with an unsure thing? Does that mean the good thing really isn't so good? Or does it prove that I really don't want "good" things at all.
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