Current Mood: brokenhearted
10:49 p.m. - 10/30/2007
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger...I can't take this pain much longer....
Duffie is being such an asshole. I can't believe I flew all this way to visit him when he's such an asshole. I am always asking him to go out with me or drink with me and his excuse is always that he has work the next morning and now today he has work tomorrow and he's going out. With james of all people. Which really pisses me off that James invited him out knowing damn well that I was here. How inconsiderate is that? So just leave me all at home by myself so they can have a boys night out. I was so upset I got all impulsive and started yelling and crying, which is so unlike me. I hate showing emotions! I just don't do it!And I think it was a combination of all the crap I've been dealing wiht paired with this. This was like the strw that broke the camels back and it sucks cause I don't even know who to talk to right now because just talking about the situation is gonna make me cry and all I've been doing is saying nice things about his selfish ass. He broke my heart all those years ago. I forgive him. He uses me for sex when he has a girlfriend, no big deal. He practically begs me to come down and visit back in may then treats me like crap wehn I get here. I don't care. I love him so much I understand that he;s emotionally unavailable. He tells me he's in love with me when he still has a girlfriend and fucks with my emotions. SO what. I still love. Then he's finally single and he says he's still in love with me and i viist him all the time but we still can't be together cause i'm still to far away to be is girlfriend. Okay. i'll take what I can get when it comes to him becasue I love him. But still. I can only take so much. And today the combination of the drinking and just everything else made me flip out. I hate the fact that he makes me this way. I ahte the fact that he has the ability to make me cry in front of other people. I ahte the fact that he is so emotionally unavailable. I hate the fact that he can't show wehether or not he cares about the fact that he made me cry. I hate the fact that he's out having fun with james and i'm sitting back here crying. I came all this way to visit him and he doesn't even care. he doesn't care that i love him more than i am ven capable of loving anyone else or that i do anything for him even if he doesn't deserve it. It's just not fair. I don't deseerve this. I just feel so stupid for telling everyone about how wonderful he was when obviously he's really not. Here's that emotional masochism in full effect cause i'm sure i'm gonna forgive him even though he doesn't deserve it.
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