Current Mood: lovestruck
7:36 p.m. - 11/05/2007
I love you enough to give you time
Sadly my 12 day visit to see the love of my life is coming to an end tomorrow. And in sprite of all the drama I'm really gonna miss him like crazy. For the most part I've only blogged when he has upset me, but let me tell you that we've had some pretty awesome moments during this visit too. And you know one thing that came out of it is that I don't have to feel so secretive about the fact that I love him anymore. Yeah he's not my boyfriend, and yeah we're not gonna be together anytime soon. But at least I can now openly express my love for him to him. And I feel more comfortable touching him and holding him without his instigation and I feel more comfortable asking for sex. Before I was this silent obedient person who let him touch me when he wanted to, who had sex wiht him when he wanted to, who only mentioned the fact that we are in love with each other when I was really drunk. Now he teases me about it all the time. First about the fact that my love for him drives me crazy like in the Brittany Spears song. And he always sings that Rihanna song "I hate how much I love you" except he changes it to " She hates how much she loves me" It's so funny though because the words to that song are so true in our situation. I cna't stay mad at him. No matter what he does. He always knows what to do to make me smile. it's kind of crazy. I made that song his new ring tone. I thought it was more appropriate than Irresistable. although he is. Oh it's just a crazy situation that we're in. But you know waht? As complicated and as annoying and heartbreaking our situation cna be sometimes, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I'd much rather this be our relationship than to not be in his life at all.
So my next visit will be in a month. Hopefully next time I visit I won't be all emotional and shit. I feel like during this visit the fact that I do have borderline personality disorder and fear of abandonment issues really came up. I've been in such a stable situation lately that I completely forgot about all of my underlying issues. The depression, the impulse control disorder and the borderline personlaity disorder. But yeah that whole "I hate you, don't leave me" syndrome really came out this time. And I hate that because I feel like it might have ruined us a little bit. ButI think he's pretty understanding and knows that I only acted that way because I do love him so much and am so afraid of losing him again. It was seriously the worst thing that ever happened to me before when we broke up. And it was probably the happiest day of my life when I found him on facebook. No actually I think the happiest day of my life was when he sent me that text message saying he was still in love with me.
LIfe is full of complications and that's ust the way it is. I've coome to accept that. And maybe someday all of my efforts with him will be rewarded and we'll be together forever.
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