Current Mood: bummed
8:44 a.m. - 11/06/2007
I miss the way your body feels next to mine in bed at night...plus a case of the fake people
(This is really long bear with me)
Back to reality and all I can think of is how much I miss Duffie. It was so weird sleeping alone last night after spening 11 wonderful nights next to him in bed. My last night there was pretty wonderful. I got drunk on beer and he got drunk with his shots and had his drunken rainbow six night, we talked, laughed, watched some tv played on the computer, nothing too exciting but I just really enjoy his company, so even though we weren't doing anything exciting it was still wonderful just spending that time together drama free. And what made it even better is that it ended in some of the best sex I've ever had :)
I know I've probably said this but I really just love the fact that I don't have to feel so shy about my affection towards him. I have no problem hugging him when I want to or kissing him when I want to or just doing other little things to show my affection. Now for a normal person that would so not be a big deal, but for Leandria the stoic it really is. I typically don't like to do things like that unless the other person initiates it.
You know waht else I realized about myself while on this trip? I am actually a nurturer when it comes to relationships. Well rather when it comes to someone I love. I have no problem doing things like cooking for Duffie (which I did homemade macoroni and cheese and mashed potatos so he'd stop eating that crap out of the box) cleaning up after him, or doing things like being 'shot girl' and getting up to pour his shots whenever he wanted me too. I don't mind doing those things as long as I love the person and I feel it is appreciated. However if I don't love the person I tend to be a taker, and make them do all of that for me and not show them appreciation. Not only that though, if the guy is weak and not a take charge controlling type then I become the dominant one in the relationship and tend to make them do things for me that I show no appreciation for. So pretty much what I'm saying is that in order for me to be the best Lea that I can be when it comes to a relationship, I need a strong, take charge kind of guy who I really really love.
Oh waht am I going to do without him in my life. Isn't it crazy how one person can make you so happy by doing so little. I just wish I was still there with him. I miss him using me as a pillow while watching tv, I miss touching his bare chest, I miss lying in bed with our legs intertwined (typical of us since neither of us are big on the whole cuddling thing) I miss kissing his hand and telling him that I'm trying to turn my frog into a prince lol. I hate that I feel this way and that I've allowed myself to become so emotionally attached to him. But oh well. I am in love.
Oh and even though we're not together and free to see other people I'm not as worried about some other girl sneaking in and stealing his love away from me as I was before because he's aware of how afraid I am of that now. He was actually teasing me about it yesterday.
Now there's still one thing that I have to deal with and I don't know how I'm going to do it. The whole Stephanie situation. I've been wanting to call her and talk about the situation, but what would talking do really? I know that even if we talked it out right now I jjust can't forgive her. I just feel as though she is deliberately trying to sabotage my relationship with him and she's doing all of these sneaky and underhanded things so I really can't trust her anymore. It just doesn't make any sense. She knows that I love Duffie more than anything. More than I am capable of ever loving another man. SO why would she do what she did. It's just plain out disrespectful. And the fact that she's always bad mouthing him in my presence but then sends him photos lie that just makes it seem like she's trying to get rid of me so that she can have him. Then she made this comment saying that she never tells me "any" of the details of her relationship with him. Which makes me wonder what all these details she's leaving out are. All I know about the two of them is that she hates him and only talks to him to relay that info, but quite apparently I was wrong. Very wrong. SO maybe if she stops beinga lying ass sneaky bitch and tells me all the details of thier relationship then I'll forgive her. But again I really can't see that happening right now. It just reeally sucks when you find out that someone who is supposed to be your best freind has betrayed you so much. And I'm not even talking about drunken mistake betrayel, whihc I feel is more easily forgivable because alcohol sometimes causes you to do bad things. This is deliberate, sober, betrayl. I've never really been good at the silent treatment or really understood how people can go so long without talking to the person they're mad at. But now I do. I have never in my life been able to give anyone the silent treatment for more than an hour but I jsut really have nothing to say to her. I'm too angry and feel too betrayed to even yell at her. I can see her going the route and saying that she felt betrayed all those years ago when she found out that he and I were dating. Well let me say right now these are two totally different situations. I was her best friend and I had no idea that she actually loved him, nor did he. As her best friend based on the way that she treated him, (hooking up with him and denying it in public, hell even denying it to me when I was around most of the time and knew what was going on, having another boyfriend and flaunting it in his face even though she knew he was in love with him etc) I thought she didn't really have feelings for him. So when i developed feelings for him I acted on them. Wait no actually I didn't. i developed feelings for him that summer but hid them just in case she really did like him. But when he expressed interest in me too, and she still hadn't made any strides to be with him then I felt it was okay to date him. She on the other hand hears me talk about how much i love him almost ever single day. She knows that I'll never love anyone like I love him. She knows that I love him so much I was willing to forgive him for everything that happened in the past (something she claims she can't do) She knows that the whole time I was dating Jacob I was hoping that Duffie would still come back into my life. She knows that someday I want to marry him. SHE KNOWS! I have spelled it out for her on many occasions that I feel he is my soulmate. SO waht kind of best friend sends scandelous photos in secret to her best friend's soulmate?
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