Current Mood: lovestruck
5:43 p.m. - 02/01/2008
Healthily disfunctional
Ok, so I figured out one of the things that makes me love duffie so much. I love the fact that with him I don't really need to keep things bottled up inside and let them destroy me. I mean it is just natural for me to do that so to start out i do, but it always seems to happen that I get drunk and let everything out. Everything that has been bothering me since my last visit, always seems to come out. Some times its terrible things. But I say them, I put it all on the table, and he listens, and then he still loves me. I tell him the crazy thoughts that go through my head. I let him see how unstable I am. I let him know all of my insecurities. And after all is said and done, he still loves me.
And not only that, he still treats me the same cause he knows how much I would hate it if a momentary lapse in stability on my part made him tiptoe around what he says to me and the way he acts in order to spare my feelings.
As disfunctional as our relationship is, its also one of the best that i have ever had, because of that level of honesty. it prevents me from internalizing all of these thoughts and going and doing something stupid like cutting to release all those feelings i've been internalizing.
This distance is still killing me. with every visit, iyt gets harder and harder to leave and it hurts me more and more to not be around him all the time. And I start caring more and more about the company I keep when he's not around. it's getting to the point where Its not good enough anymore for me to just be his #1 girl. i want to be his only girl. But that can't ahppen until at least October. so until then I've just got to find some way to live without having him in my life every day.
I know I've already said this, but I just have to say again how great my visit was. it was sooo nice to just lay in bed with him all day. I mean I was so happy with his company I didn't mind the fact that we barely left the apt. You know waht that actually tells me? I have fallen so much more in love with him since my first visit back in may, because it irritated the hell out of me to be stuck in that apartment that time.
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