Current Mood: dishearted
8:17 a.m. - 02/27/2008
I've seen you're act and I know all the facts... I'm still in love with who I wish you were...
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart forget. That has to be my biggest fear right now. It's been a month since I last saw Duffie. Typically I would be visitng again right now, but I was under the impression that he was coming to DC at the end of February, so I cancelled my end of february visit to Tampa. Now I found out that he's not coming to DC til the end of MArch. That's 2 months without my presence to deter him from meeting skanky girls on the internet and sleeping with them. That's 2 months without my presence to remind him how much he loves me and how he doesn't want to lose me. 2 months without my presence to show him how much I love him and how I would do anything for him.
We've gone 2 months before, but for some reason I feel a sense of urgency now to be with him. I have this gut feeling that if we don't work something out so that we can be together soon, that I am going to lose him forever and never be happy again. I know I will never love anyone like I love him. If we can't be together I'll have to settle for someone else. And what kind of life can you really have with someone you settled for? My life with Jacob for those 3 years was a small preview of a life like that. I never really loved him, because I could never get over my love for Duffie, and look at how disasterous that turned out.
I know how I feel about him, but sometimes I wonder if my feelings for him are misguided. If maybe I'm in love with the person I wish he was, but not the person he actually is. How can I love someone so much who refuses to stand up for or fight for our love. Who refuses to sacrifice for it? But then there are those times, rare as they may be, when he does do something to show me that he loves me. He's just so complicated. So damaged. And I mean realistically, so am I. I'm probably just as hard to love as he is. So I guess that's waht makes us perfect for each other.
But meanwhile this distance is still tearing me apart. Well, not so much the distance as the knowledge of what goes on when I'm not around.
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