Current Mood:
12:09 p.m. - 06/24/2008
tears and pill poppers
Okay, so I just realized that I lied in that blog that I wrote last night when I said that the last time I cried was the night before my birthday. It was actually a lot mroe recently at the end of March when I got into that huge fight with Stephanie and Duffie. I forgot about it because I was trying to think of times when I cried for no good reason, to correlate with my depression. I'd say the end of a 9 year friendhsip and of a 6 year on and off relationship is a good reason to cry.
But anyway I brought this up because in the past few days I have come to realized that I think that I am now crippled with the inability to cry. Remember Cameron Diaz in that movie "the Holiday" and how no matter how much she felt like she wanted to cry no tears would come out? I think that's me now. Is it possible that perhaps I've cried so many tears in my lifetime (cause lets face it, while I made a strong effort to never cry in public and show anyone that weak side of me, I was a big cry baby for most of my life. I remember if I didn't get the highest grade in the class when I was in elementary school, I would go home and cry into my pillow that night. If my mom yelled at me, more tears. If I got into a fight with a friend, even more. And whenever I got into serious trouble like when i got suspended senior year for skipping class, I cried so much it impaired my breathing (and actually got my suspension removed). Where was I going with this? Oh yeah I think I'm finally all cried out. I've lost it. I might get a little teary eyed, but no tears will actually fall. is that weird? I think it is.
Okay wait I think I was going somewhere else wiht this whole blog too, but I forgot.
Oh wait that's it, I was going to comment on the use of prescription drugs for recreational purposes. I figured it out. Well at least I think I figured out the psychology behind why I dabble around with them from time to time. So I was prescribed these drugs at troubled times in my life, and lets just say that for all intents and purposes they made me better. The xanax stopped the excessive panic attacks while I got the theray I needed to get rid of them. So done with therapy, no more panic attacks, I come to realize that I don't have to be perfect all the time, and because the panic attacks stop coming I no longer need the meds. But, what about those time when you get just a tad bit anxious about soething. Nothing really serious, just the mild anxiety that everyone experiences at some point? I think the natural reaction would be to go for one of those pills that just made you feel so wonderful when you were having severe anxiety. And that's where it starts. Sooner or later everythings making you anxious (but agian not like panic attack anxious, just uncomfortable anxious) and you need them to relax.
Same thing goes with the muscle relaxers. When my mom was sick I always had trouble sleeping, and was always very tense in my neck and shoulder. Actually I still am. I think I had a pain one time and she was trying to give me a massage and couldn't believe waht she felt, so she decided to give me one of the 50 differnt types of drugs she was on that was used to relax her muscle spasms. i took it and it was magical. Not only did I sleep well that night, but I woke up with no upperback/neck tension. Pretty soon I begged my mom for a bottle since she's prone to not take medicine as often as she is supposed to and had overflow, and everytime my insomnia got really bad, I'd take one.
Actually the second example is a good example of how someone not prescribed drugs gets used to abusing them.
Let's go back to my first example, so how about those antidepressants that stabalize your moods and prevent you form realizing how much life sucks major ass. I think a type of classical condidtioning starts to take place. anti anxiety PILLS make me feel better, anti depressant PILLS make me feel better, the miscle relaxer PILLS make me feel better (actually wait I lied it's operant conditioning) so taking the pills is the behavior and the positive reinforcement is feeling better, so pretty soon you become conditioned to think that taking pills will make you feel better. Kind of like that rat in the skinner box will keep pushing that lever in the hopes of getting his food, you'll keep taking the pills hoping to get that positive reinforcement of feeling better. And it goes beyond the ones that you were once prescibed. i guess it's actually how people get addicted to any drug (well that and the chemical dependence that may develop with certian ones.)
Why was I even talking about this in the first place? Oh yeah, I am not by any means a pill popper,( well maybe I am on occasion) but wiht the way I'm feeling right now I could really go for a xanax so much so that I'm thinking about hitting up a doctor for a prescription. That's the other thing about those of us who actually have been prescibed the drug before. It's easier for us to abuse them because we know exactly what symptoms to say we are experiencing to ensure a prescription is written.
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