Current Mood:
10:29 p.m. - 06/23/2008
boys are dumb, shopping \"fun\" and depression scare
Why is it that guys seem to want what they can't have? Why is it that when my world revolved around a certain person he couldn't find that much of a place for me in his life, but now that it doesn't suddenly he can?
So here's the next question. can we really be friends after everything we've bene through? Won't that history always get in the way of that? I mean do friends really ask friends for scandelous photso of the other when they get drunk? Casue I don't think that's typical of a 'friend.' Do friends throw little fits of jealousy when their friends mention other people they might be interested in romantically? I don't think so. And realistically I cna't go to visit anymore. taht just wouldn't work. We're bound to fall back into old habits if we're sleeping in the same bed and alcohol is involved, whihc it usually is with us.
But anyway moving on, this weekend I fell into my impulse stage again and spent a small fortune on random stuff. $300 bucks at target, $80 at the bookstore, $70 at Michaels, and $25 at Bed Bath and Beyond. Of the stuff I bought the only thingsI really needed were pots and pans ($40) tupperware ($20) mixing bowls ($7) and a water filter ($30). So do the math, what else did I sepnd all that money on? Junk. I've really been wanting to buy myself a laptop and with all the junk I bought this weekend I probably could have bought one and actualyl had soemthing to show for my excessive spending. One thing I did enjoy though was that on Sunday after having lunch with Andre and kate, stephanie and I went shopping together and that's where I spent hald of the money. It was just like before when we used to go shopping. When we stopped talking I lost my favorite shopping partner and while that was good for my bank account I'm glad to have her back.
So now I'm going to try my hardest to not spend anymore money this week, but I already shelled out $30 getting my nails done today, so I don't know how well that no spending for the rest of the week is going to be.
Oh and randomly, friday was kind of weird for me. I got really worried casue i thought i might be falling back into old habits. All I wanted to do was lay in bed in the dark and watch tv, instead of hanging out with my friends. I just couldn't motivate myself to do anything and it wasn't even that I was tired or anything, i just din't feel like doing anything. I woke up Saturday feeling much better, but that night really got me thinking and worried. I have been pretty stable and without meds for quite some time now. I think since around the time when I graduated. and the last time I had a serious depressive episode was summer 2006 with all that jacob drama. And the last time I engaged in those self destructive tendencies was back in october when I was so upset that I was visiting duffie and he went out with james without me and left me at his apartment alone drinking by myself and crying. And the last time I actually cried was the night before my last birthday. So you see I think I've been progressively getting better, but firday night i wasn't sure. luckily it was just a scare and nothing came of it. But I think the worst thing in the world is the feeling that everything is wrong with your life, wehn you know that in actuality nothing really is. feeling upset for no good reason is no fun at all. but like I said Saturday was much better, i went to lunch with Andre and Clay, then went to the mall with Andre, stopped by his aprents house for a little while, went for drinks with Andre and kate, then hung out at the apt drinking with kate and Stephanie. Up and active and having fun enjoying life.
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