Current Mood: hopeful
7:54 a.m. - 07/21/2008
Everything happens for a reason
I really think that I have grown as a person, because I think that I have finally come to realize that everything, even the bad things, happens for a reason. IF I look back on all the horrible things that happened in my life then I can see good that came out of each of them. My severe depression in HS for example, made me good friends with Stephanie, and through her I met Duffie. It aslo caused a drop in my grades senior year, which prevented me from getting a scholarship to Columbia, which mad eit so that I had to go to Marymount my first year of college (this is a string of bad things, but the outcome is good). So had Marymount not been such hell, and had the dorm rooms not been so cold, I would have never decided to apply to schools in Florida, public schools, at that since before I was determined to go to a small ivy league or other prestigious university, and I would have never ended up at FSU, where I met my best friends, and had so much fun. Had I not been so depressed at Marymount I wouldn't have lost so much weight and looked so good when I went to FSU. Had Duffie not treated me like crap and broken my heart when I first went to FSU, I would have never become such a party girl, and would have never met Kersten and Jenn. Can you imagine a world that never had a LeaKerJen? Had I not met them, then i wouldn't have met Danny and Joe. And there's still more, had Duffie not finally disappeared then I would have never started dating Jacob. And had I not started dating Jacob I would have never met Michelle. I also would have never moved to JP with him, and therefore would not have met William. Had all of that drama not happened with JacobI don't think I would have reconnected wiht Duffie, and I don't think that I would have started hanging out with Joe as often, so he and I wouldn't have become really good friends, and I wouldn't have convinced him to move to DC. That stuff with Jacob also reinforced how great my friends are. William, Michelle, and Kersten were all such great support for me during that time. Trying their best to keep me away from him, and distracting me. Visiting me in the hospoital, Talking sense into me. Telling me the things that I did not want to hear at the time, but needed to hear. Helping me to see what a bad person Jacob really was and that I was better off without him. Reminding me that I was the one who wanted to break up with him, and who had told everyone we broke up ong before we actually did. Danny and Joe were also very supportive during this time.
I don't really see anything good that really came out of my mom being sick and refusing treatment for so long, other than the fact that I came to appreciate everything she does for me even more than I already did. Thank God she finally had her surgeries and made a full recovery because I don't know what I would have done without her.
The incident with the cats getting taken away was also horrible, but good things did come out of that. First of all she got them all back and exposed the humane society of DC for their corrupt practices. She also got all of them fixed and their vaccinations updated for free. The officers involved in the incident and the director at the time, were all forced to resign as a result of all of the bad publicity they cuased.
The disaster that was my quasi-relationship with Duffie the second go round and the heartbreak he caused me by refusing to commit to me actually had some good outcomes too. First of all, he and I are now good friends again. One thing I hated about his disappearance all those years ago even more so than the fact that it left me heartbroken was the fact that before he and I started dating he was one of my best friends, and I hated losing that friendhsip. We actually understood each other when it comes to expression of emotion. Neither of us likes dealing wiht serious things. So although I've accepted the fact that we'll never date again (even though he might want to) I'm glad that I have his friendhsip back. Just a few weeks ago I was really upset about something and through his lack of seriousness about anything he made me feel better. Had he not hurt me so much and left me heartbroken I also would have never let go of him, and as a result I wouldn't have met the guy that I currently like who I think is a much better match for me.
Oh I almost forgot had I not had that crisis of identity back in 2004 and fallen into that depression and gotten kicked out of school and readmitted two times I would have never realized how much I love animals and that I want my carreer to involve working with them.
So that's that. Looking back at the pain I went through and the good that eventually came out of it makes bad things that may arise now seem not so bad. I'm going through some stuff right now, really worried about something, and as much as it sucks, I am able to realize that even if it doesn't work out the way I REALLY REALLY hope it does, that doesn't mean the end of the world. Something better might come out of it in the end. This mindset might be the key to managing my depressive episodes for good.
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