Current Mood: uncomfortable
8:53 a.m. - 08/12/2008
Self inflicted bad moods
Why is it that when I'm in a crappy mood everyone wants to call you and talk to you? My phone has been ringing off the hook nonstop this morning and I feel like crap and really don't want to talk to anyone. Being at work isn't too bad because I don't sit in the main office area so I don't have too many people to bother me, but still there's the stragler who wanders down to my room and wants to chat about something. Or the new person sitting near me who wants to get acquainted. Take a look a me. Doe it look like I want to get acquainted with you right now? DO I look friendly and warm and open? Cause I try my hardest not to, without looking like a bitch. What I hate the most is that I cna't let anyone know that I'm having a bad day and not feeling well. That I really just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and need to be left alone. I have to put on this stupid smile and engage in carefree conversations like I'm not on the verge of tears (well at least I would be if I were capable of crying). I don't like to get to personal with anyone. If you think about it, no one really knows me, because I always put on this stupid happy face when I'm upset. I don't like to burden people down wiht my problems. I don't like to admit that I was stupid enough to put myself into a situaiton that could possible upset me.
No I have to be strong carefree sophisticated calm cool and collected Lea. I can't break down into tears if something is bothering me. I cna't lash out in an angry manner or do something reckless like the rest of the world. I just have to take it, wrap it up and store ti somewhere deep inside where I can forget about it, at least for now.
Sometimes I wish life were like writing a book. You decide what happens to the characters in it. Some people say it kind of is, and that you choose you own fate or something like that, but the truth of the matter is that it is not. Things don't happen the way you would choose for them to happen if you were writing your own tale. If I were writing my own tale I'd feel happy, ecstatic, hopeful, right now. Instead I feel stupid, worried, worthless, and did I mention stupid? Cause that's the prominent feeling right now. I'm really kicking myself because this crappy mood I'm in could have all been avoided had I not decided to be a risk taker and step outside of my comfort zone. Had I stuck with the way things were, and accpeted them that way. I wasn't happy, but I was I didn't feel bad either. And not being happy definately outweighs feeling crappy.
�
�
