Current Mood: blah
5:32 a.m. - 12/16/2008
Life sucks and then you die
"Life sucks and then you die."
I stayed up all night reading the last book from the twilight saga. Literally all night I just got done reading and now it's time to start teleworking.
Anyway I read that quote and it kind fo describes how I feel right now.
I'm just so unhappy right now. I really wish I would have decided to head up to the beach wiht kate today. At the last minute I remembered something I have to do on Saturday, so that kind of sucks. It would have been a nice distraction from my otherwise sucky life.
I didn't go to the zoo yesterday becasue 1)I totally overslept, and 2) it was still icky out from the ice storm and i wasnt in the mood to test out my ability to maneuver up and down steep hills in slippery conditions. So instead I spent my entire day sleeping. Yep that's right I slept all day. Signal of depression? Maybe, or maybe I was really tired? I think the first one is more likely. I woke up around 2 and watched OLTL, and did a little reading, then went back to sleep and only woke up at around 9pm because my mom was ringing my phone off the hook. I was really irritated becasue i would have been content to continue sleeping my life away. The problem with sleep is that I have dreams, ususally wonderful dreams where everything wrong in my life is right, and then i wake up. Usually I wake up screaming or crying as my wonderful fantasy world is ripped away from me, so these wonderful dreams could be considered nightmares in a sense. Giving me a false sense of security. it's just cruel.
All of my problems are pretty much slef inflicted too, which makes things worse, becasue I hate myself for them. I've made bad financial decisions, bad carreer decisions, bad relationship decisions.... I pretty much suck at life. I think it's my tendency to be an idealist and overly optimistic. I wish I could go back to before where I was overly pessimistic. Life sucked then too, but at least I was never disappointed. I expected it to suck. I never expected anyhting to work out.
In some ways letting my guard down has been freeing. Making those idealistic but irrational decisions has led to mounds and mounds of disappointment but I'm never left wondering what might have been. But with that being said, it's led to an infinite amount of disappointment.
I'm really concerned about myself. in addition to sleeping my life away, I also havent been eating. Not on purpose, this isn't like an eating disorder. I just have no appetite. The thought of eating makes my stomach hurt. Monday I had a croissant. Tuesday I had a candy bar and a granola bar. And yesterday I had a granola bar, then when I woke up at 9 I decided that I really needed to eat something. I made myself some pasta, and cheese potatos. (I didn't really have an appetite for anything so i coulndt decide so I made both, even though they don't really go together.) After spending a good deal of time preparing the food (you know how I like to go all out wiht fresh everything, which means mroe preparation time)I took exactly two small bites from the potatoes and one bite of the past and then put it away.
So if things keep up the way they are I'm either going to will myself into a coma and never wake up, involuntarily starve myself to death, get alcohol poiseining in a foolish attempt to drink my probblems away, or just totally lose it and jump off the balcony (we're on floor 4.5). Oh wait or I'm gonna smoke myslef to death. I've been chain smoking like crazy to try to take the edge off of life in general. Whereas normally I have about 3 cigarrettes a day, I've been going through almost a pack a day. Thank goodness I stocked up on newports whne I was in fl.
This just sucks so much! I cna't focus on anyhting but the pain. Pretty soon they're gonna figure out that I haven't gotten any work done at work in forever. I've done nothing as far as schoolwork goes, and I have a ton of cleaning I need to do at home that I haven't done. Reading helped a little bit but I've got to find a new book to engross me as much as the twilight saga did now.
I always hate the end of the year. Looking back at what I've accomplished is always depressing. Sure I moved out of my mom's house, but in doing that I kind of sentenced myself to financial problems, more responsibility and less freedom. I miss the days when i had the funds to just fly down to LForida whenever I wanted. A trip to Florida is just what I need right now.
Anyway it's time to get back to work now. Or at least attempt it.
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