Current Mood:
12:15 a.m. - 07/29/2010
too sensitive, no coping mechanisms
I'm too sensitive. But no one really knows. I don't let them know. I don't let them know that at midnight I'm still crying about the fact that someone was upset at me at 10 this morning. Since then I guess things have calmed down since I spoke to said person again and it seemed like the subject was blown over and they weren't upset at me anymore. But I'm still hating myself for doing something stupid and giving them a reason to be mad at me. I think the problem is that I hate myself as a person. So I need approval from other people. Generally everyone loves me all the time. But when someone I care about gets angry at me it makes me hate myself even more than I already do and I can't take it. I cried on the metro ride home from the zoo today. Yes tears were coming down from my face in public. It was stupid. It''s even more stupid that all this time later I still have the urge to cut myself. I haven't smoked in a while since I'm out and don't really have anyone to buy from rihgt now, so I'm having to deal with my emotions. And I remember now why I was so depressed before I became a regular smoker. Because I can't deal with my emotions. I have no healthy coping mechanisms. The smoking makes me care less, so it all works out. I care too much right now. I shouldn't, but I do. I feel like I always ruin everything. I deserve to die. really no one would miss other than maybe Corona and Elektra and my mom could take good care of them.
I just wish it didnt hurt so much. I dont understand why it does. Why can't I be normal. Why can't I have healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with pain.
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