Current Mood:
10:17 p.m. - 10/21/2010
I wish I were dying
This is going to sound absolutely horrible, especially considering all of the health problems that my mom had in the past, and that I know quite a few people who have battled with cancer or other serious diseases, but sometimes I wish I were sick. I wish I had some kind of physical life threatening disease. If I were physically sick everyone would understand. If I were sad, it would make sense, after all I would be dying. Secretly though I think I would be happy to know that the end was near and that I wouldn't be to blame for ending my own life, cancer or whatever else would be to blame. I might also get sympathy and compassion that I dont get from my depression. It would be acceptable if I didnt go to work and sat around and did nothing all day. I'd be to sick to do anything.
I wish that people could see that right now I'm too sick to do anything, but that I have to force myself to do it anyway. I wish that they could see and understand that I fantasize about death. I use every ounce of strenght to prevent myself from performing violent acts against myself. I hate smoking, it's actually really gross and sometimes the thought of it makes me want to vomit, but I do it anyway because I like the idea of slowly and painfully killing myself. I once heard every cigarette takes a minute, or something like that off of your life, so maybe if I smoke enough I'll just drop dead one day. I hate excessive drinking because it makes me unable to function the next day, but I do it all the time because I seccretly hope that maybe one day i might die of alcohol poisening. Or amke a bad decision and end up going home with a murderer. I thought about picking up a coke habit because I used to be afraid of doing it because I heard that it can cause heart attacks and death, but knowing my luck I'd just get addicted and not die, and I really can't afford a coke habit.
I havent been to the doctor in forever. Secretly because I hope that one day I'll drop dead from a cold that is actually mroe serious than I realize and goes untreated. but anyway, for all I know I could be sick. I could be dying. I could drop dead tomorrow. But knowing my luck, I'm probably healthy and will live a long miserable life.
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