Current Mood:
11:05 a.m. - 10/31/2011
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It's 11:05. A little over 3 hours at work and I've been to the bathroom to cry twice, for no real reason. I just hate it here so much. I hate that they take advantage of me. I hate that no one knows or understands what a struggle it is for me to get out of bed and keep myself alive. For the most part the thought of suicide doesn't enter my mind as an acceptable solution, but I've had a few moments today where it did seem like the only solution. I know this will pass and I have to keep telling myself that.
I would love to take somthing sharp to my skin right now. But that's another solution that is unacceptable. Although I will admit that I'm having fantasies about that pumpiking carving saw I used last night to carve my pumpiking with.
It makes me so much more upset, when I want to cry and there's nothing to cry about. I don't understand why I feel this way. Well i do understand. My hormones are screwing with my mind right now. But I don't understand why it has to have such a severe impact on my mental health. This is why i don't like to come to work on days like this. This is why I use so much leave. If I were at home in my bed I could cry whenever i wanted. I could take the time out to be sad for no reason. here I have to put on a happy face and pretend like being alive right now isn't actually killing me.
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