Current Mood:
8:10 p.m. - 11/30/2015
So I;m going to drink a lot of wine and smoke a lot of weed instead
I want to cut my wrists open. Not to kill myself but to watch the blood. The blood always brought me back to reality. It was a jolt to be normal again. In my current mental state the world seems hopeless. I want to die, but realistically know myself ad know I won't kill myself. But what I might do, what I really want to do is just press a blade against the thin skin on wrists and watch them bleed. I probably wont do that either though. It has been since 2007 since I cut myself. I survived Costia twice and pregnancy, and my mom disowning me, and eviction, and Adam, my mom thinking i was a crack addict, all kinds of things without cutting. I can't let this get me. My mom can be so hurtful. I wish i could ignore her. I wish she could be nice and supportive. I wish she considered the impact her words have on me. They literally make me want to die. I was in a decent mood. I made the mistake of calling her to ask for help. She made me feel like trash and hung up the phone on me. It hurts so much when she does that. Then when I don't ask her for help and things like eviction happen, she wonders why I didn't just ask her. The words hurt. They hurt a lot. They make me want to die. I want to die right now. I really want to die right now. But I;ve therapized myself enough to know that's not a solution. (Go me for being able to use my psychology degree on myself) SO while it;s my first thought, my mind immediately scratches it off the list as impossible. Cutting is the next. So tempting. But the competitive person in me enjoys adding another year to my no cutting streak. I have literally held the blade to my skin about to press down and then my brain was like, no come on do you really want to start over now? You can go at least 1 year more. I'm actually currently on a quest to hit a 10 year mark. So I won;t cut myself. I can make it to 2017. But man that blood flow. I can imagine it being so beautiful. The sting feeling wonderful and jolting me out of this, whatever it is. But I won't. SO I;m going to drink a lot of wine and smoke a lot of weed instead.
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