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8:42 p.m. - 07/26/2006
memories to give me strength
Ah, so here I sit, ready to move on. Feeling so much better. I'm glad I didn't go to work today, gave me some time to think. Someone who could hurt me the way he did, really isn't worth it and doesn't deserve me. I took Kersten's advice and read my old blogs from my wild and crazy days, and realized I'm so much better than this. I used to have so much fun. I've decided to sum it all up just b/c I'm bored.
So let's start with an incestuous little apartment complex called University Commons. It was there that I met 2 of my best friends Kersten and Jenn. One drunken night at Clint's apartment. Together we were triple trouble, the infamous LeaKerJenn. I was dating Duffie at the time, and loved him so much, but we were having rocky times, but being w/ Kersten and Jenn made me forget about all our issues.
We had so much fun there, all the keg parties, Kerstens brother and cousin coming to visit, the nakedness, the hot guys throwing themselves at us, the car wars with Danny, waking up in Jenn's tiny car in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Late nights swimming and enjoying the hot tub, the RP 201 guys, taking a semester off to drink and have fun. The great Mono outbreak, and the mono pop, Karayoke to Justin Timberlake with the hotties, chugging ciclon in the laundry room, Tuesday nights at Fat Tuesday's, Trying to make it to Chubby's unsuccessfully every Saturday night, switching back and forth b/t apartemetns how many times? That apartment complex was just like party central, we had so much fun there, but the reason it was such a party place was becasue the managemetn and apartments actually sucked, how long did we go w/out phone and internet?
So next year Leakerjenn moved on to High Park Village. There we had even more crazy nights, and even suckier management w/ our $500 utility bills. But there was picking up army guys on the side of the road, spur of the moment parties at Danny's that ended up being so big that we tapped 2 kegs, those nights getting drunk with those Latin boys, more nakedness, more late night swimming and hot tubbing, we always had so much fun.
But that was the year things finally ended with Duffie. We literally just grew apart, one day we were talking and the next thing I knew, I hadn't heard from him in over a month.
As the first semester at High Park Village came to an end, so did the LeaKerJenn era. Jenn started dating one of the army guys we picked up on the side of the road, I started dating Jacob to get over Duffie, and Kersten started dating Robbie. Then Jenn and Kersten moved out b/c of the utility problme and I got switched to a new apartmetn. We still hung out and had tons of fun, but it was a little different since we were all tied down with non long distance boyfreinds. But there was still my 11 day road trip wiht Jenn and Ricky, and our night in ybor city when I got trashed and kicked out of the club. Some more adventures with the army guys, and lots of nights in Tally getting drunk. As that year came to an end though, Jenn got engaged and moved away, and Kersten also moved away. SO I was left alone in Tallahasse. Lea without her KerJenn
SO the next year was my Jacob year. He got my undivided attention. I loved him so much. I remember wainting up for him to get home from work and being so excited to see him. We moved in together and whetehr he belives it or not he was my everything. The next great love of my life. Kersten and Robbie would come and visit us that year, but it wan't the same as the older wilder days since we were both tied down.
Now moving on to this year. I decided I wouldn't haev another boring year. So I went out and made freinds. Well I became closer friends with Michelle, who I met through Jacob and who he had always encouraged me to hang out with. I got new roommates, who I loved, but Jacob didnt, and started hanging out with them too, and become really good friends with Joe, who was just a pretty face to me before. But as I developed a social life again, aparently me and Jacob started to grwo apart. He didn't like my friends and I dind't care ofr his too much. We also started to grwo apart b/c of all the stuff I was goign through personally. I have a really hard time expressing my emotions and put up a wall. My mom was really sick, and was told she could die anyday. She had to have a surgery that had many complications b/c her lungs collapsed during it and her heart stopped 2 times, with a long recovery. I was so upset about it all b/c I didn't know what I would possibly do if I lost her, but of course I hid it all, I put up my wall and kept it all inside.
Then as my mom was recovering from the surgery, more bad stuff happened, the humane society accused her of abusing her cats and took them all away from her(luckily many court dates later she got them back). My mom was so upset, she wanted to kill herself and I ahd to talk her through it. Can you imagine waht that did to me. Of course I was withdrawn. I was goign through a lot. And dealt with it by getting crazy drunk.
SO time passed, and Jacob couldn't deal w/ my wall anymore, so we broke up. Thats when everything went crumbling down. The night we broke up he made out with this girl at a party I was at. He snuck around w/ her behind my back, while he was still sleeping w/ me every night. He made em think we were getting back together when we weren't b/c he was interested in her. It was supposed to just be some time off, but he made it time to find a new love, knowing I still had feelings for him, and knowing I thought we were getting back together. This breakup was hard b/c we lived together and had lived together for 2 years. It was my breaking point. All the stuff that had been bothering me all year and that I had been holding back just came out when I lost him and it made me crazy. SO many battles, so much drama.
So upsetting, but like I said at the beginning of this, I am better than all of this. I actually think I'm goign to be okay now.
I remember how I used to be. I am strong and can make it. He is not worthy of my love. He is not worthy of my time.
I think the S.C. lyrics that Kersten posted on my comments page helped me realize this too. There's something about that group and their songs that just makes me happy. I was heartbroken after my breakup w/ Duffie and I got through it, so I can get through this one too. Sure there are a lot more complications but I can do it. I don't want the support of someone like him. I found someone who loved me for me and all my psychoticness before and I'll find him again. jacob claimed he loved me but if he couldn't be there for me through my mental instability then he didn't becasue that is a part of who I am. So I deserve better. Someone who won't judge me, someone who'll be there for me, someone who'll be concerned when I'm sick and not yell at me for taking medicine. Someone who washes his hands after he uses the bathroom and before he eats, and brushes his teeth every day. Someone who doens't neglect me for video games. Someone who doesn't criticize my vivid imagination. Someone who doesn't criticize me because I talk to my mom at least 5 times a day. Someone who understands that my poetry is sad and usually about death b/c I use it as an outlet for all my negative thoughts, and doesn't criticize me for that. And most importantly someone who recognizes my intelligence and appreciates it, who doesn't resent me becasue I'm right most of the time and if you don't belive me I'll prove it to you. I'll find someone who loves me for all of my idiosyncricies, and all of my wonderfulness. I think I actually already may have, but I was too blinded by jacob to notice.
"But there you go for the last time, I finally know now what I should have known then." I will "raise towers and climb them, rivers and walk them, oceans to drown in, you won't maek a sound in." This "sweet catastrophe" is goign out to kiss some drunk guys on the lips, and find some fabulous person to pull into my "hurricane" because "I can spell konfusion with a k and I can like it..."
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