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8:32 p.m. - 11/7/2002
Happy Thursday
HAPPY THURSDAY!!
I love Thursdays. Well, Thursday night's at least.
Why? Becasue they begin my weekend. I have 4 long days ahead of me to forget about school and any academic responsibilities and PARTY!
Sure a more ambitious student would use her 4 day weekend more wisely and get some of her homework done so that she's not up all night Monday night working on stuff that's due on Tuesday morning, but no, that's not me.
But it works for me.
I am a professional crammer. In fact I don't think I would be able to do as well as I do in school if I did anything other than cram.
Well actually if I really applied myself I could pull off straight A's, but if I applied myself at the smae level that I apply myself at now, but spread out my studying so that I wouldn't ahve to cram, I'd do horribly. I did it once before and totally screwed myslef over. I had to read 3 acts of A Midsummer Night's Dream for a quiz in my Shakespeare Class and I did it on Sunday (my class was on Tuesday) to be ahead, and guess what happened by the time I took the quiz? I had forgotten all of the tiny seemingly unimportant details that teachers like to stick on tests to separate the A's from the B's and as a result did not do as well if I would have had I read it the day before.
Anyway, moving on, I wonder what I'll end up doing this weekend. I hope the party scene at University Commons is better than it was last weekend. But I guess one of the main reasons why Kersten and I didn't have as much fun last weekend as we typically do is because I started drinking on Tuesday night, and she started drinking on Wednesday night, so by Friday and Saturday our tolerence levels were too high to enjoy the whole drinking process. On Saturday night we, along with 2 of her roommates, practically finished a whoel bottle of 80 proof rum, and we didn't get the "drunk" feeling at all, which just sucked. SO since we haven't been drinking during the week, hopefully we'll actually get drunk this weekend and have fun. I love hanging out with her because we have common drinking tendencies and similar reactions to stuff when we're drunk, oh and she's the only person I've met at Universtiy Commons who is also an English Creative Writing major. How awesome is that? Every one else I meet is like some kind of business major. Or some other major that has more concrete job oppertunities.
Now let's move on to my least favorite topic, yet the one I seem to write about the most. Yep you guessed it. My deadbeat, sorry excuse for a boyfriend, ex-boyfriend. He pisses me off so much becasue I don't understand him and no matter how hard I try I cna't figure him out. What was his motivation for wanting to get back with me after that ordeal that we had when school first started?It wasn't for the sex becasue I didn't see him, so there was no sex. And it wasn't just becasue he got some sick twisted pleasure out of playing wiht the emotions of an emotionally unstable individual such as myself, because he's not smart and manipulative enough to enjoy that kind of thing. That's the kind of thing soemone like Andre would enjoy. So why did he do it? I hate the fact that I'll never know. Not knowing and wondering is such torture for me. Damn him. My biggest mistake ever was taking him back after that ordeal. Thank God I never got out of "breakup mode" in my mind, and as a result was not completely faithful to him. I know it sounds stupid but the fact that I cheated on him makes me feel like the score is a bit more even between us. It makes me feel like less of a naive fool in love for trusting him.
I waas jsut talkign to Stephanie via IM and she sent me this poem whihc totally reminds me of Duffie. It reminds her of him too becasue I guess the poem is about friendship, and you know before I came into the picture she and Duffie were like BFF. They had this really close relationship like I have with Andre, and obviously it is no longer. It pretty much ended with that e-mail she sent him last semester about being upset about him and me being together and all that, but it was made worse by the fact that he changed so much over the summer. But yeah I read it as a poem about love and friendship, you know like he and I had. The love shared between two soulmates. So here it is.
I could say I hate you,
that I'll forget you come tomorrow,
but my heart and mind just won't agree,
when it feels yesterday sorrows.
We use to laugh, we use to smile,
and I thank God that I had you
for a little while.
I thought we'd share forever
but now I'm standing in the dark,
your memory has severed,
the best thing in my heart.
I could say I'm sorry,
I wish that you'd come back,
but my night is no longer starry,
I'm stranded where I'm at.
You look at today and
what tomorrow will bring,
but I look at the past,
when you were my everything.
Is it bad
when you lay down at night?
Do you feel mad,
cause things turned out right?
Am I so unforgettable,
that it makes you want to gag?
Do you see my face when you look into the mirror,
Tell me, Are you sad?
I never asked for sympathy,
I never asked for you to like me.
You chose your paths,
and I chose mine,
I'm sorry that I feel nothing,
you've left so many times.
Was I just an outlet
to all of your pain?
Releasing something I never gave you,
did it help you to stay sane?
How does it feel
when you look at tomorrow,
and see those gray clouds
that rains down tears of sorrow?
What was it like,
to see your whole world flash before your eyes?
It's so scarey isn't it?
Not knowing what's passed you by.
Sometimes it's so bad,
that we don't talk like friends,
sometimes it makes me sad,
that this could be the end.
Maybe we could never get passed
childhood memories,
trying to step on glass,
when you lived next door to me.
We promised forever,
but miles have said what's true,
your decisions have severed
one of the best things in my heart...you.
It's all so relevant to our relationship, becasue he was not ONE of the best things in my heart, but THE best thing in my heart, and his decisions severed that. I really thought that we would be together forver and a part of me still believes it. God talking about him totally depresses me. Way to ruin my Happy Thursday. Oh well, I'm sure the partying that has become a Thursday, Friday, Saturday and sometimes Sunday night tradition will cheer me up.
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