Current Mood: hopeful
7:40 a.m. - 11/20/2002
We will Love Again
You won't believe who I heard from via e-mail today.
My one and only love of a lifetime and soulmate.
That's right. Duffie responded to the e-mail that I sent him yesterday. He said that he was severely depressed and hasn't had the motivation to do anything.
That's why he dropped out of my life. And the previous e-mails that I sent him in drunken stupors didn't help any. In fact they made him feel worse and I hate myself for hurting him even more than he is already hurting.
I love him so much and wish that he would have trusted me enough to tell me what was going on.
If he wants to still be together then I'm more than willing even though he hurt me and Stephanie says it would be stupid. But I love him so much and need to be with him.
I know. I know. You're thinking what a pathetic dependent loser I am. But it's not like that at all. If Duffie treated me badly just for the hell of it that would be one thing, and I wouldn't take him back, but he doesn't do it on purpose. He just doens't know how to deal with this depression. Being someone who suffers from depression myself I can understand, and that's what leads me to forgive him for all of the tear drops and sleepless nights that he has given me.
I'm so anxious to get a response from him.
He's coming home for Thanksgiving and I can't wait to see him. If he is willing I would also like to pay for him to come and visit me here sometime after Thanksgiving but before Christmas.
I shouldn't get my hopes up. I don't even know if he wants to still be with me while he deals with his depression. But if he does I want to do everything I can to help him and show him how much I love him and will always love him.
Just thinking about the possibilities makes me so happy. For once since the last time I spoke to him I am happy. I'm not putting on an act and repressing my true feelings of sadness and depression over teh loss of my love.
This came at the perfect time becasue my sadness about what happened has recently gotten so bad that I cna't even listen to the songs that describe our situatioon to put me to sleep anymore. Everytime I listen to one it makes me cry. And it makes me have dreams of us being together, which makes the reality of us not being together all the more painful.
But I don't have to worry about that anymore.
HE contacted me. I was hesistant to send that e-mail last night, but I figured it couldn't hurt to still hope that something I wrote would make him want to respond, and my hope wasn't in vain.
I think he responded to this one becaseu I was sober when I wrote it and ddin't spend the bulk of the e-mail telling him how stupid he was to not want me and talking about how easy it would be for me to fuck someone else.
In this e-mail I told him the truth. I told him that I love him and will always love him. I told him that I've been goign through a tough time and that becasue he's the only one I trust I would love more than anything to talk to him. I told him that I miss him more than anything and that no one else comes close to him.
Why didn't I do this from the start?
But even if I did, I wonder if he would have responded.
Maybe he just needed this time to himself.
I can't believe this is in the process of working out for me. It's jsut like that song. I believed that true love never has to end and so I knew that we would love again. And no matter what the future has in store for us I know that when we drift apart we will always find ourselves in love again.I held on to that spark of hope left in my grasp, and it did burn to hold on to what seemed hopeless, but it was worth it to have another chance. (By the way in case you didn't know, I'm referring to the song "I still believe" by Mariah Carey)
I just can't believe this is happeneing. I'm still afraid that this is just a dream and that the e-mail was nothing more than a figment of my imagination, and that I'll wake up tomorrow with the same sense of hopelessness for the situation.
There's just so much that I want to talk to him about. He's really the only person i can be honest wiht about my feelings. There are some secrets left best untold, and those I will keep for the sake of our love. From now on when I party with Jenn, and Kersten and that bitch Ellyn, (I know I normally don't use her name, but I don't care right now) I'll be like Kersten with the loyalty that she shows to her boyfriend Branden. In some ways theri relationship reminds me of me and Duffie's. For one thing she can't call him, he can only call her just like I can't call Duffie. But anyway, I digress.
I'm so happy. I cna't wait to talk to him. I just hope that he doens't hate me for those previous e-mails.
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