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7:39 a.m. - 11/19/2002
He's not Really Dead
You know something funny.
When talking about Duffie or thinking about him I think of him as if he died. It;s like I'm mourning him.
In a way he did die. His current self murdered his former self, that former self being the love of my life.
Many other people played a part in the conspiracy that led to the murder of my one true love. First and foremost all of his friends at school, especially Puddin, his roommate last semester. I hate everyone of his friends from school for taking away my love. His parents also played a part in the conspiracy. Our summer would have been much happier had they not cut him off financially.
Maybe he really is dead.
Who knows.
I most certainly don't.
But based on the way that last conversation I had with him went it's not too far fetched to assume that he is.
I love him so much and I always wiil. No one will ever take his place in my heart. I remember his seemingly carefree nature and the way he always made me laugh. I remember how much better my day became when I talked to him or saw him. I remember how wonderfeul it felt to be in his arms and the fireworks that sparked between us when we kissed. I remember the moments when he would playfully tease me; this carefree moments were the ones I chereished the msot because in these moments not only was our love apparent, our friendship was apparent. I remember the way it felt when we would make love and the magic that I would feel between us as we held each other afterwards. I remember the way the whole world would fade away when we were together and the way being with him made me feel happier and more loved than I had ever felt in my life.
Remembering all of these things makes me want to cry. The thought of never being able to experience these things again makes life less meaningful. And it's not just the thought of not being able to experience these things again that saddens me, it's the thought of not being able to experience them again with Duffie.
He is my one true love. He is my soulmate. No matter how hard I try I'll never find anyone who can take his place. I have to just keep believing that someday fate will reunite us because we are soulmates.
No great love comes without obstacles. And right now Duffie and I have to get through the obstacles standing in our way to be reunited at last.
I just hope that he's as willing to endure these obstacles for the sake of our love as I am. I hope and pray that he hasn't given up on us and found another to love.
Anyway, I guess assuming that he's dead is just my screwed up way of dealing with the factt hat he might not love me and be willing to fight for our love. If he's dead then there's an excuse for him to not fight for our love that doesn't involve him falling in love with another.
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