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2:22 a.m. - 12/10/2002
Reflections on a semester
I don't know what's wrong with me.
For the past couple of days I've felt like shit. And it sucks. I'm afraid that my emotional stability is beginning to fade away again.
Last night I almost did soemthing horrible to myself. I almost listened to my inner psychotic voice wehn it was telling me to harm myself. That scared me. I hate the loss of control I experience during moments such as those.
What is casueing this sudden depression?
I guess it's the fact that I screwed up and did exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I'm gonna get an F in my anthropology class. There's no way that I can bring it up. I'm probably gonna end up with a C in my Ethics class. And if I'm lucky I'll only have 1 A on my report card.
Then there's this thing where I screwed up when making my reservations home for Christmas, so I'm gonna have to change my reservations or change the exam time, whihc is gonna be impossible becasue it is impossible to get in touch with my teacher. I swear it shouldn't be allowed for a teacher to not have an e-mail address. So yeah if I have to change my flight it's gonna cpst my mother more money.
Speaking of which, she hates me now becasue she found out that I didn't pay that $250 for my meal plan. How could I have screwed up so much?
And I really don't want to go home so soon. The atmosphere here is just so much better for me. I like being on ym own, not having to worry about the drama that always occurs when my mother and I are together. I love the independence that I have here. I love all of the new friends that I have made. This is really my home now.
Then to add to my problems, this thing with Duffie is not at all working out the way I expected it to. You know if only I had him to support me emotionally then all this crap wouldn't upset me as much as it is, becasue the feeling of knowing that he loves me nad wants to be with me outweighs any other feeling in the world. I know that I should just give up and move on wiht my life, but I can't. So all I can do is be patient, and pray, and never give up on my belief that we are meant for each other.
I know that everyone proabbaly thinks that I am the epitome of "a fool in love," but I don't care. I'm not going to give up on what I know is meant to be. I'm finally getting better at listening to my heart and not my mind, and I'm goign to continue to do so. You know it's weird becasue I can flirt all I wnat but when it comes down to it, the thought of being with someone other than Duffie is unappealing to me.
I was gonna follow Kersten's sex is sex and love is love theory, but I can't. I get no pleasure from hooking up with anyone other than Duffie. When the oppertunity arises I think about it and then turn the guy down becasue it's just not soemthing that I wnat to do. The only one whose lips I want on mine are Duffie's. And I can't wait until our lips finally meet again. It's been so long. Almost 4 months. I hope that our lips meet again soon, when we're home for Christmas break.
I can't believe that this semester is basically over already. It seems like just yesterday Tiffany, Amy and I were spending our first weekend together as roommates going to parties with Justin, Aaron, Paul and TL. Bonding over our dislike of Katie. Sneaking out of the apartment to go to parties before she came home so she wouldn't try to follow us. Being called "the alliance."
Now the three of us never hang out together anymore. Amy hangs out with her other friend Amy, Tiffany hangs out with her friend Jenn, and I hang out with Kersten and my friend Jenn.
I remember the day that I think the whole alliance thing ended. It was the day of Mike's party. The three of us were supposed to all go to it together, we even had matching drinking cups, but I was the only one who really attended the party. Tiffany came at the beginning for like 5 minutes, then went out with her friends, and Amy came at the end after she had gotten back from hanging out with her friends, and I stayed there because the people there were my friends. And so the alliance went their separate ways. Then I met Jenn and Kersten that night at Clint's a couple weeks later, and we just clicked, so I hang out with them all the time now. I think it's really weird that becasue of the whole Kersten/CLint thing I hardly ever hang out with Clint now, yet I hang out with people that I met through him. For example Jose Miguel comes to chill with us at Kersten's sometimes without Clint.
Anyway, it's weird the way things work out sometimes. But I'm glad that I've met and become friends with the people here. Oh and on a side note, me and a certain girl who I used to dislike a great deal have been getting along great now. One night we had this mini talk and she asked me if I cared about her and a certain guy, and I said no, and she said good becasue I was worried that we might fight over him or something. After the fact that I am not pressed over that guy came out, we've been getting along great. Sure he's cute, but I love Duffie and even if I didn't, I refuse to fight a girl over a guy who has no long term potential. So yeah things are just great all around socially. I hope next semester is jsut as awesome.
I know they will be. Next semster is gonna be great. Here are my expectations:
1. Make Dean's list
2. Have everything worked out with Duffie
3. Spend my money wisely
4. Make my family proud of me
3. PARTY
4. HAVE FUN!!
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