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8:15 a.m. - 11/6/2003
Family drama 2
So I just talked to my mom about the family drama, and she didn't emntion the drop dead comment, addressed to Grandma, but she did admit to calling her a witch and to telling Tony to Die.
She's really angry about the whole situation and blames Grandma for it. She says that her grandma's children who did survive did it in spite of their upbringing. She says it's all grandma's fault that just about everyone in the family has issues. She also said that she no longer has a mother. That really saddens me.
Is all of this erally worth tearing the family apart? It's a shame. I wish my mom were more like me and able to blow things off instead of getting all emotional. If she were able to that then she and grandma would still be speaking.
Going home is really gonna suck, becasue I do plan on visiting Jasmine over grandma's house, and if TJ comes over, even though my mother is no longer allowed to see him, I want to see him. I'm gonna feel like I'm betraying my mom when I visit my grandmother. And I do hate the fact that my grandmother cna be self absorbed sometimes, especially when it comes to the issues of my mother's poor health. SHe doesn't believe that there is anyhting wrong with her, and thinks that she's faking it to get attention. That really upsets me, that a mother could think that about her child, and not show more concern. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to hate my grandmother. She is getting old, and I feel like I just need to make good of the little time I have left with her. I have serious issues when it comes to dealing with death. So even though I know I've got at least another 10 years with my grandmother, the fact that she is in fact goign to die one day is becoming more and more real to me every year that she gets older, so I just want to have as much of a relationship with her as I can.
I recognize ehr faults both as a mother and a grandmother. I relaize that the way that she raised her children is a key factor in why they grew up to be so screwed up. I know from first hand experience how horrible it feels to endure her mental abuse. I can think of numerous times when she has said things to me that hurt me more than anything, like calling me a slut and a failure for example. I feel horrible that Jasmine has to live with her and endure this verbal abuse on a regular basis. And the fact that all of her children had to grow up with it, explains their issues. But now that I've learned to ignore it (for the most part) and focus on the things she has done to help me out, I want to continue to have a relationship with her.
I can't imagine ever disowning my mother the way my mom has disowned Grandma. No matter how angry she makes me, I would never tell her to drop dead. And if in the heat of an argument I did by chance say that, I would feel horrible afterwards. my mother is showing no signs of remorse. I just cna't imagine feeling that kind of hatred. I guess I'm just too much of an empath. I always put myslef in the other person's shoes, no matter how horrible of a person they seem to be.
This whole family thing really sucks.
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