Current Mood:
9:46 a.m. - 2006-05-15
honesty
You know even after my whole ordeal, I still don't think I've learned much. i'm falling back into the same stupid self destructive patterns. Joe's right I need to just "knock it off" but it's so much easier said than done. Right now I'm working myself up becasue I think Jacob lied to me when he said he was going to pick his friend up from work. He's bene gone for over an hour. It shouldn't even bother me. I shouldn't care what the hell he does, but I do. And the fact that after all the drama he could still lie to me really upsets me. I also have a feeling he lied to me about where he was on Friday night. Why can't people just be honest? It would make things so much easier.
Being locked up taught me that I can survive through my lonliness, it's just really hard. And when I'm not somewhere that I absolutely have to do it or risk being locked up even longer, it's so hard. It just seems so easy to pick up that blade and press against my skin and deal with that pain instead of dealing with this mush (for lack of a better word) that I'm feeling on the inside. It feels like someone is grabbing my heart and squeezing as hard as the can and cutting off my air supply so that I cna't breathe but worse. It's so bad I cna't describe it.
I just need a distraction. A distraction that is not school, becasue that doesn't distract me, in fact my mental state distracts me away from school. I need a sweet, intelligent, and preferably hot man to come and wisk me off of my feet. To romance me and show me that I am capable of being loved and that I don't have to deal with people's bullshit. That I'm better than all of that, and that I'm worth something. I need someone who makes me feel good about myself, but at the same time is not fake about it, and tells me the truth even when I don't want to hear it, becasue we all know how important honesty is to me. The worst thing anyone can ever do is to lie to protect my feelings, becasue in lying to me you are actually setting my feelings up to be hurt 50 times more than the initial truth would have hurt them, when the truth finally comes out and it always does. I want someone to love me and are for me and complement me and really genuinely feel it and mean what they are saying. But you know honesty is all I really need. If you are always honest with me then In know I can trust you and if I trust you I won't drive myself crazy wondering if what you are saying to me is really the truth or not. I won't call you like a psycho person checking to see if you're really where you say you are. I'll listen to what you tell me, believe you and leave it at that. Not even give it a second thought.
Grrr
I hate this. If any of you know any HONEST, intelligent, sweet, hot men, send them my way please. If any of you fit this criteria, I'm waiting for you.
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