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8:03 a.m. - 11/21/2002
The voices we hear sometimes
You know when TJ told that therapist that he hears a voice inside of his head saying "be bad, be bad..." at first I didn't understand him, but now I do.
I don't know why I didn't from the start.
I hear a voice in my head too, only instead of telling me to be bad, my voice says things like you're worthless, kill yourself, jump in front of that moving car, go to the roof and jump off of it, nobody cares about you, no one could ever love you, if you killed yourself no one would care, etc.
I haven't heard it in a while, but my mother just has a way of bringing it out. She has a way of making me feel like I'm the most horrible person alive and I hate her for it. SHe tries to be a good mother, but she doesn't try hard enough. Sure she gives me the basic necessites and provides for me, but she has never given me emotional support. I've always felt like she hates me and resents me.
Next topic.
I've found that smoking really does calm your nerves. For example, just now reflecting on my mother and how mean she is to me and how she yells at me for petty stuff upset me a great deal. I was sitting here crying my eyes out. So I went outside and had a cigarette and now I feel a lot better.I mean I'm still upset, but not to the extent I was just a few minutes ago. The tears have completely stopped.
Unfortunatley I haven't heard form Duffie since he snet me that e-mail on Tuesday. I've been checking my e-mail like evry two seconds, but still no response. I hope he does respond and didn't get me excited about the possibility of us still being together just to break my heart again.
Shame on you if you fool me once, Shame on me if you fool me twice. Who's fault is it if he fools me a third time?
I guess it's still ine for being stupid. But I can't help it. I love him to much to give up on him.
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