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8:18 a.m. - 08/25/2006
Ramblings on love & trust, & cheating and waht it all really means as I sit here on my last day of work
So here I sit on my last day of work. So sad. This is the last time I'll sit at this desk, that I'll use this computer, that I'll use my hud e-mail, that I'll log into the sysetm.
Okay, well not really. I'll be back at Christmas and probably next summer too, and eventually probably for an official position, but I'm sad to be leaving now. I really don't feel like doing my administrative clearance. My mother says that I don't have to, but I don't want my pay to be delayed or anyhting. So I'll do it. it's such a process though.
Well anyway, somethings been on my mind a lot lately. TRUST. What is the point of it? Why set yourself up to be disappointed. It's so weird. You get into a relationship wiht someone, and trust that they're not gonna cheat on you, but why?
I don't know, I guess experience has made me bitter and cynical. I've been with people who have cheated on me, I've cheated on people, and I've been the one the guy is cheating with. I've been on all sides of the equation, so I know where everyone is coming from, and the truth is, sometimes it just makes sense. Okay, maybe not, but it just feels good. And we are creatures who enjoy pleasure. We like to do waht feels good, not what feels right. I'm also very self destructive, which is probably why I've ended up in these situations and didn't care.
I don't know, I'm rambling, but its just so wierd to think that there is actually another person out there who trusts this guy to be faithful while he's here fucking me. And its wierd to think there's a person out there who trusts me to be faithful while I'm out doing things I shouldn't do with men I shouldn't be doing them with. And its wierd to think that it could be possible for me to trust someone to not be out there cheating on me when i'm not around.
I worry myself sometimes. Because I don't want to be okay with it, but I am. I'm okay with a guy cheating on me as long as I'm cheating on him too, and as long as we don't talk about it, and pretend we're not doing that to each other. I'm also okay being the other woman, just as long as the girl he's supposed to be faithful to is not mentioned at any time during our sexual indiscretions.
I think the thing is that I separate sex and love a little too much. the way my mind works, if its just sex and nothing more, then there's nothing wrong wiht it. As long as there is no emotional attachment on either party's part, then there is no threat of ruining the actual loving relationship b/t the person and their significant other.
SO I think I'm an advocate of open relationships. But I don't know, b/c I think that if it was too open then I would get jealous. My probalem would be the fear that the cheating isn't just sexual, that its emotioanl, or that it may become emotional, and that because of that I would lose him.
I don;t know. I like sex, but I like being in a loving relationship too. That shouldn't be a problem. Easy solution, have sex wiht the one you're in that relationship with. But I don't know, I have to go and make things all complicated b/c that's just how I am.
I am so rambling and don't even know if any of this makes sense. But I was thinking a lot about marriage and relationships and stuff lately and wondering how it somes to be that those cheaters out there end up married. I think the cheaters should marry other cheaters, then there's no worry. if a cheater marries a noncheater, can the noncheater ever really trust him/her? hell will they ever even find out that this perosn is a cheater? If not, and they trust them then, right there they are setting themselves up to be heartbroken. She loves him, can't even look at another man b/c she only has eyes for him, does everything for him, and thinks he feels the same way about her. Little does she know he's out with other women when she's not around. Which oges back to my original point. Why put so much of yourself, your life, your being, your livlihood, into another person? Chances are they're gonna disaapoint you. Expect the worst and you won't be heartbroken.
I'm not anti-love, adn I do understand the concept of it. I've been in love before and think I'm in love right now. But what exactly does love mean. We throw that word out there way too often and too quickly. there should be a standard criteria for knowing when it's real love. A soulmate checklist or something. here's what I think should be on the list:
1)Does being around this person or even talking to them on the phone make you nervous even if you've known them for years.
2)Do you consider them to be a best friend
3)Is this person 100% perfect to you the way they are?
4)Does your heart beat faster, do you get sweaty, a sickening feeling in your stomach everytime that person touches you.
5)When you kiss this person does it feel like you are the only 2 people on the planet?
6)This is really gay especially since its from a song, but Can you "feel the magic floating in the air" when you're wiht that person? It's hard to explain what that means, but i have felt it, and I think that if you're really in love then you cna feel it too, no explanation of what the magic floating in the air means.
7)Could you spend hours just watching that person sleep?
8) Do you have an overwelming desire to make this person happy.
9) Is your happiness dependent on the happiness of this person?
10)Do you consider this person in everything that you decide to do?
11) Could you find out something horrible about this person, I mean the worst thing you cna imagine, like that they had been in jail for murder or soething and still love them. Still want to be with them? Still only see something wonderful and beautiful when you look at them?
12) Are the things that make this person annoying to other people things that you love about him?
13)Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person. Having a family with this person, growing old with this person.
14)Are your differences complimentary of each other?
15)Do you have an answer to the question "why do i love this person?" other than "I don't know, i just do."
16) Does loving this person make you a better person?
17) During the most heated part of the worst argument do you still love that person?
18)Do you trust this person with everything?
18)Does the following statement apply: "When it's good it's great, and when it's not I still love you."
So there are my criteria. Give or take a few. And I think I have a pretty good knowledge on the subject. I've been in love and thought I was in love, and upon comparing the 2 gained a lot of clarity.
The problem is people want to be in love too much, so they rush it, and say its love when its really not. Like "I love him, but this really annoys me about him" type thing. that means you don't really love him.
It bugs me b/c its how people end up wasting time wiht people they are so obviously not meant to be with, and in the mean time, while they're wasting time together, the people who they are really supposed to be with are forced to wait.
Back to the cheaters thing. A cheater should never feel that he or she has to hide the fact that they have been a cheater from the person they love. If its real love the person won't care. And if its real love you'll know the person won't care. you won't be worried about whether revealing this to them will make them break up with you.
the person who i am meant to love, who is my soulmate, who loves me, will know that I have been cheated on, done the cheating, and been the one the cheating was done with. He will know all about my emotioanl instability, and my problems wiht depression. he will know every lie I ever told, every manipulative thing I've ever done, every bad thing about me, and still love me and not judge me.
He does know.
And he doesn't care.
And I know what he's done.
And I don't care.
We only see each other and how wonderful we are together.
The rest of the world doesn't matter.
We're not afraid of getting hurt because we know that our love is strong enough to overcome anything.
Whihc is funny because I've jsut completely changed what I started out this entry talking about and contradicted myself. I think my main point is at least make sure its love before you go and set yourself up to be heartbroken. Make sure its not infatuation, or convenience, or strong like. Make sure its love and you won't get hurt. So many people end up getting hurt b/c 9 times out of 10 it's not really love.
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